...that I let a headache keep me from church.

"... that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also the day I went to church. I know, good for me, right? Well, I am ashamed to say I haven't been to church in 5 weeks. I let a headache keep me from worshipping in the house of the Lord.

Five weeks ago, on a Wednesday, I woke up with a headache and stiff neck. I thought I had slept on it wrong, but the pain and stiffness continued to get worse. Of course, with my luck, I was thinking, grreeeeeat, I have meningitis!? Went to the doctor, and he did bloodwork to rule that out, thank goodness. Well, the stiff neck slowly got better over the next week, but the headaches continued. I tried massage, chiropractor, and anything else I could think of. The headaches were pretty bad, and would not ease up.I even slept in the recliner a few nights because it hurt worse to lay down. I let a headache keep me from church.

My doctor ordered an MRI of the neck and head to see if he could find a cause for the headache. I was expecting something might show up on the neck images. Maybe a pinched nerve or something causing headaches and the pain going down my arm and my leg giving out on me. Well, the neck was fine, but there "seems to be something in the brain." Uh, come again? "Well, it could be a number of things, but don't worry, I just want to get a few more images to get a better look."
I let a headache keep me from church.

That was on a Friday, and another MRI was set up for Monday. I went in to see my doctor on Tuesday expecting him to say after looking further, it was nothing. Wait, this is me. Nothing? Yeah, right. Apparently the radiologist was "very concerned" with what he saw. He did tell my doctor that he had never seen anything like it, and he is a neuroradiologist. Not really what you wanna hear. Actually, while the doctor was going through the list of possibilities, I kinda zoned out. I admit, I was freaking out. He said the radiologist compared the MRI to one I had in 2007, and the spot wasn't there then. It was there now. Breathe. Breathe. Lumbar, what? A spinal tap? I tried to convince him I didn't need one. I really didn't like the way it sounded. His response? "If this was my wife or myself with these results, I would get a lumbar puncture as soon as possible." Oh, man! That can't be good.
I let a headache keep me from church.

I walked out of there in a fog. Having something in my breast is one thing, having something in my brain is a whole other level of scary. I had to compose myself. I had to call my mom to tell her I was on my way. I had to convince her all was ok. Epic fail, but I tried. On the way home, the neurologist that my doctor consulted, called me. Come in now? Ok. This can't be good. Saw her and she confirmed I needed a lumbar puncture. I had a week to dread it. I let a headache keep me from church.

When you don't feel good for an extended period of time, the devil starts working overtime. I felt bad, I felt useless. I felt like all I did was cause friends and family members unnecessary worry. I couldn't even do my normal everyday tasks. I couldn't even stand myself. I was short tempered and felt as if no one understood me. I had had a breast cancer scare and a liver cancer scare in just the last 6 months. Now something in my brain? This is where God stepped in.

I had a meltdown and hit my knees. He was there. I felt Him saying, "Oh ye of little faith! Haven't I proven myself enough with you lately?! Have faith. I've got this, too." God opened my eyes to my horrible self pity. It's a headache. Nothing more. I let a headache keep me from church.

In the meantime, some very dear friends have had scares of their own, all much worse than mine. I cried and prayed for these sweet ladies. While I was having my awful lumbar puncture, I was praying! I felt God's sweet assurance that He was in control in all these situations. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, I would rather have 10 liver biopsies that ever go through that again. Apparently the spinal fluid stopped flowing and he had to dig around a bit.

After the procedure, I had to lay flat for 2 hours. 2 hours staring at the ceiling. 2 hours of praying. I asked God for forgiveness for all the worrying. For not trusting Him enough to stay in good spirits and lift other people up. For wallowing in a little self pity when there were so many people suffering so much worse. God is amazing, people! He took away all my guilt, calmed my fears, and revealed His awesome miracles in the lives of some amazing women.

I did NOT let a headache keep me from church today. My headache and backache from the spinal were pretty bad today, but I thought of all the people across this world that wait for hours with no food, no electricity, no running water, and with fear of persecution, just to hear the word of God. I think of the woman I saw at church that was battling cancer that had to have help just to walk. She didn't let anything keep her from worshipping God! Why should we?

I should find out the results of my spinal tap today. Whatever it is, I know God has it under control. This is His plan for me and I will accept this journey with gladness.

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh." 2 Corinthians 4:8-11.

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!" Psalm 118:24.

of awareness.

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also Breast Cancer Awareness Month! Didn't think I could let that slip my blog, did ya? Of course, I am reminded of my scare only 5 months ago and the reason I started this blog. I found a lump. I never did self breast exams, but for some reason, while standing in the shower one day, I did.  But I'm too young for breast cancer, so I waited. The lump got bigger. Finally got it checked out. Long story short. At the age of 32, the oncologist was 90% sure it was cancer. Talk about changing the way you look at your life! Can we say, "reality check?" Scheduled immediate surgery for lumpectomy. To all of the doctors surprise, it was not cancer. It was a juvenile fibroadenoma. I had beat the odds. God had worked an amazing miracle and spared me from cancer. I have a large, red scar on my right breast to remind me everyday of this miracle. I go for my check up next month, but know I'm in the clear. Why? Because I am now religious about doing my self breast exams!!!

Now, with all that said. If you are reading this, have you done a self breast exam lately? I don't care if you are 20 or 90 years old. Breast cancer is found in younger and younger women now. Age means nothing to cancer. Please, it only takes a few short minutes. If your are male, please, please, encourage every woman you care about to do a breast self exam. It could very well save their lives!

This experience has changed my life. It has also changed the way I look at friends. When I see those pink Breast Cancer Awareness ribbons, I am reminded of my dear sweet friends that wore pink for me on the day of my surgery. I think of all the thoughtful scriptures, prayers and messages send to me on the day of my surgery, especially that beautiful scripture I read while they were putting in my IV! I was amazed at the sweet support I received even from total strangers.

I'm sure you have heard the saying that you have friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I used to wish I had more of those elusive lifetime friends. I have a totally different take on that now. I truly think God sends angels in the form of friends and acquaintances and sometimes even perfect strangers, to pick us up and give us encouragement when we need it the most. I had people who were just friends of friends or facebook friends that supported me in their sweet thoughts and words. I cried when I saw that people were wearing pink for me! I had a sweet fried I hadn't seen in a while drop by unexpectedly to bring a wonderful meal to my family while I was recovering, and I read and re-read all the sweet thoughts on this blog. On the flip side, I also had friends I considered close that never called, but life is busy and that is life, so I understand. Does this mean I won't be there for them because they weren't there for me? Absolutely not! Life has no room for selfishness. How many times have I dissappointed God? Has He turned His back on me? Absolutely not! He is my #1 lifetime friend, and as long as I have Him, I am blessed beyond measure!

So, I no longer classify my friends. I consider them all angels who have helped me in so many ways during this past crazy year and a half, and even before then. I also feel that even if I don't talk to someone on a regular basis, it's okay to be there when they need it. I hope to also be that person of encouragement whenever needed by any of my "angels" or even just perfect strangers.

I saw a lady in Brookshires a few weeks ago. She was on her phone and was visibly upset. She hung up her phone and stood there trying to compose herself. This image is burned in my mind. Why? Because I felt God pulling me to offer words of encouragement or pray with her, but I didn't. I didn't offer my support when someone needed it the most. I feel just awful and think of this every day. I can assure you, that if I ever see this again, I will listen to God and have no regrets. I hope you do this as well. It doesn't matter how well you do or do not know someone, sometimes we all need a little encouragement. So, slow down a bit and listen to that quiet voice of God. He will lead you to where and who needs it the most. Trust Him.

On another note, in case you were wondering, I have upped my dosages of immunosuppressants and am still having hives (although now as bad) and now, just to spice things up a bit, have had new symptoms. I have had random joint pain and swelling and some other symptoms that are leading my doctors to now think we are dealing with Lupus. However, we are not officially diagnosing anything yet. I have a young, eager rheumatologist, whom I love, that has scoured his medical books and thinks he is on to something in this rare genetic disease. So, I go for more genetic testing to see if his hunch is right. If so, this will completely change my course of treatment. So, the drama continues...

I also would like to thank my sweet "angels" who have gotten wreaths or tutus from me. You have no idea how much this has meant to my family. With the medical bills rolling in, everything helps more than you know.

So, this is the day, I am beyond thankful for God's tender mercy and his miraculous miracles He has worked on me and my family. This is the day I will continue my life and try to help as many people as God allows. This is the day I will not let this disease rule my life. This is the day I will live my life to please God. This is also the day I will strongly encourage you to do a self breast exam! This is the day I am so thankful for all my friends and angels!

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

that I began treatment...

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also the day that I began my treatment plan. I finally heard from my Mayo doctor as to the exact treatment plan he wanted me on. This phone call was not the best, but not the worst, either. Just not quite what I expected.

When I spoke to dermatology docs, they told me about a drug they would probably try me on that isn't that much of an immunosuppressent, not enough to alter my life. Well, the rheumatologist, who is my primary care, informed me that I couldn't take that drug because I was allergic to sulpha drugs. Instead he wanted me on a slightly stronger treatment plan. Ok, stronger drug = quicker recovery = back to my old self in no time, right? Wrong. He wants me to stay on the steroids (boo!), and add two immunosuppressents to it, one of which was originally designed to keep heart transplant patients from rejecting their new heart. The other med I apparently have to get an eye exam before I start it and while I'm on it because it can cause blind spots. So, goodbye non-altered lifestyle, hello, frequent labs to check white count and staying away from large crowds and anyone who could potentially be sick.

As if that isn't enough, it looks as if this treatment plan will take an additional 1 - 1 1/2 years before I can finally wean off all these additional meds. He also continued to stress the importance of knowing that I had a disease and I was "in it for the long haul." This was not exactly what I expected to hear. It took me 2 days before I could talk about it to anyone without showing the strong emotions behind the "everything is gonna be okay" smile. I also didn't want to update the blog when I felt more negative emotions than positive.

So I put it in perspective. What is a year and a half in the big scheme of things? I think of how God patiently waits for each and every one of us. What if He gave up on us after a year and a half. Our God is such a patient God. I have prayed many, many time for patience, and I think I am learning my lesson. We live in a time of instant gratification. As if making mac n cheese out of a box wasn't easy enough, now we have easy mac that's already in a cup. Just add water. As if scrambling an egg wasn't easy enough, now they have frozen scrambled eggs. Just heat in microwave. No one has time for anything anymore.

Maybe, just maybe, if we slow down a little and listen to what God is trying to tell us, our priorities will fall in place and the world won't seem so rushed. When was the last time you slowed down, hit your knees, and really listened to God? Sometimes we have our lives so planned, where every minute is scheduled for something, we barely have time to sleep. Do we have time for God? Is God in our schedule?

When your health is failing, you realize real quick who holds tomorrow, and it's not your boss at work. God can take away all that He has graciously given you in an instant. Are you making the most of each day, taking time to enjoy your family and thank God for all He has provided you? Are you taking time for Him each day to allow Him to guide your steps?

Myself and my family was definitely led to First Baptist Haughton, and have been blessed with a wonderful church family and many opportunities to grow with God. I truly felt as if I was being led to mission work and was ready to join the choir and help out in any way I could at the church. Then I got the phone call last week about not being around large crowds. Well, there goes those plans. Apparently they were more my plans than God's. I am truly confused now. I just have to continue to have faith that He will lead me to where He needs me to be. I have to admit, this is hard. I feel somewhat defeated. And if today is any indication as to how these meds make me feel, it is definitely going to be a hard year. I feel as if I am not the best mother and wife I can be when these meds make me feel like I've been hit by a truck, and this is only the 3rd dose.

This is where God comes in. I know from experience and I know this will be no different. He hasn't failed me yet, so...

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

...that I have an official diagnosis!

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also the day I finally heard from The Mayo Clinic. All test results are in. This is the day I finally have an official diagnosis. Drumroll, please...

Urticarial Vasculitis in addition to Chronic Autoimmune Urticaria

My reaction? Well, I really don't care what they call it. All I care is if they can fix it! After more bloodwork, they will be starting me on a new immunosuppressant drug and slowly weaning off the steroids. Yay for no more steroids! Now I'm just hoping the new meds don't have more side effects than steroids. Well, the good Lord has led me this far, and I know He's not letting go now!

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day." 2 Corinthians 4:16

"But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jeses, after you have suffered a while, perfece, establish, strengthen and settle you." 1 Peter 5:10

Sometimes, waiting faithfully for God's plan to unfold is more important than understanding God's plan.

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

that I found many blessings in disguise, have you?

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also the day that I did not hear from The Mayo Clinic. I was supposed to hear something by last Friday, but I heard nothing. The Mayo did call yesterday, however, just to let me know they are still waiting on some test results and would call me as soon as they had answers.

This is the day I have patience. This is the day I know God is leading the doctors to answers and I will have them soon enough. The end of the tunnel is up ahead and I'm headed straight for it.

As I wait patiently for the answers from the doctors, I think back on the journey through the tunnel. A dark miserable tunnel that has produced so many blessings. Blessings? What? Yes, that's what I said. I have had awful hives, life altering hives, life altering medication and two cancer scares in a year. Yes, I said blessings.

Ode To Hives

They came without warning
They left bruises, were itchy and red
They made me absolutely miserable
Covering me from my toes to my head.

But what they didn't count on
Is that in the midst of my misery
That God would reach down
And pour out so many blessings on me!

For while I cried out for healing
God was moving in my life
He was changing me from the inside
All the while knowing my pain, my hurt, my strife.

The doctors threw up their hands
"There's nothing more we can do"
But God was leading me
He was not through.

God opened my eyes to so many things
He blessed me greatly, and my family, too
For I am completely changed within
I am a child of God, through and through!

And if all this came about
Through a mystery that kept the doctors guessing,
I will look at this chapter in my life
As not a curse, but His great blessing!

So, when life has you down. When you pray, but don't seem to see your prayers answered. When you feel like you are drowning in everything this life has thrown at you. When you throw up your hands and say, "What next?" or "Well, it can't get any worse." When you just don't want to face another day, just think of the blessings in your life. God is there, I assure you.

I heard a song that touched me greatly and hope to sing it one day. Here are a few words from the song "Blessings" by Laura Story:

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching(s) of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

So look back on your life. The good times and bad. What miracles did God work for you? What prayers did He answer for you? Do you remember them? All the time? Oh, how easy it is to forget all the miraculous things God did for us! All I have to do is look at my scars. I have accumulated quite a few over the past year. They are beautiful to me! They remind me of the amazing miracles God gave me! Never forget what God has done! He loves you and He shows you all the time! Are you seeing it? Do you have the faith that opens your eyes and heart to these miracles?

While I think about my miracles, I am humbled. He did all this for me? What can I do to repay Him? This is yet to be determined. Going to church and studying God's word is helping me to be open to His plan for me. If you don't have a church home, please, please find one. This has really been on my heart. What are we doing to serve Him and thank Him for all He has done? Also, is the God we worship and thank on Sunday, the same God we are TGIF'ing on Friday? "Let Others See Jesus In You," was my grandfather's favorite hymn. I have found myself singing this to myself quite a lot lately. Do others see Jesus in you? Are we as quick to share our blessings and miracles as we are to complain?

Don't miss out on a wonderful opportunity to serve the God that has so richly blessed you! I can never return the favor, but I can sure try.

Over the past year, my friends have often said, "I know when I talk to Krissy, there is always something new." Well, boy are they right. Except now, that something new isn't a new ailment, it's my soul.

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

That I went to the Mayo Clinic and drank from The Fountain of Youth!

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also the day I became a patient at the Mayo Clinic. This is also the day I drank out of The Fountain of Youth.

I haven't flown in forever. Alexandria airport was a breeze. Atlanta, not so much. We exited our plane and speed walked to our gate because we were cutting it close for time. We shouldn't have rushed. Plane delayed an hour. Not bad. Then we finally boarded the gigantic plane, and here comes a storm. Two hours later, we finally leave the runway. On a wing and a prayer, cause I was doing some serious praying while watching the lightening all around us.

Safely landed in Jacksonville, got our rental car, told guy at rental car place he was crazy if he thought I was paying an additional $26 per day for insurance (on top of the $35 per day) and headed out in the middle of the night. In a rental car. With no insurance. In a strange city. Praying some more. Finally found our hotel! Thank you Jesus!

Tuesday. This is the day of my initial Mayo appointment at 1:15. Woke up at 7:00 am, with either a stomach virus or food poisoning. I'll spare you details. Not pretty. Couldn't leave the bathroom. I was soooo sick! Thank you prayer warriors! With all those prayers, God helped me make my appointment. Paper bag in hand, pale and weak, but I made it!

The Internal Medicine / Rheumatologist was very thorough and nice. He asked lots of questions. He said my case is complicated and rare. Imagine that. However he did say "there is always something we can do!" Thank you Lord. That sounds promising to me! So, he ordered tons of bloodwork and set up appointments with Allergy/Immunology and a Dermatologist that specializes in autoimmune diseases. Oh, and stop all meds until you see all docs. Say what?!? Uh, yeah, I am now covered in hives and bruises from hives. The upside: no one ever sits really close to you :-/
This is the day I had bloodwork only. Well, 23 tubes of blood. Then we headed to St. Augustine! Such an awesome city! Such amazing history! And shopping! We really did visit The Fountain of Youth. Well, when Ponce de Leon landed and named the land Floridia, he knew he had found the fountain of youth because the natives lived to be 70-80 years old. An age completely unheard of back then. Anyway, the water smeed like eggs because of the sulfer content, but I drank it, every drop. Well, I was sadly disappointed!

Today, I didn't recieve the miracle of youth from a fountain, but the miracles I recieved and am about to recieve doesn't come from a fountain. It comes from a higher source! I have complete faith God had led me here for a reason. He is working through these amazing doctors, I know it. I am covered in hives and bruises from hives, but I know all of this is about over. The doctor said he would call me next week with results from this week.

Thank you to everyone who has prayed and continues to pray! I definitely feel your prayers! We serve an amazing God! I can't wait to reveal His next miracle!

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

it's been one year...

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also the day that it has been one year and one week since the hives began. I am glad to report that right now, they are not life-altering. That means I can wear clothes without them driving me insane and the hives aren't leaving bruises. I still have hives every morning, but usually by noon or 2 p.m., they have faded. Someone who recently had a round with hives, told me they couldn't imagine having them for an entire year and didn't know how I did it. Well, it's amazing what you can do and handle with God right by your side. Lots of prayer. That's how I can do it.

Someone else made the comment that they were glad that God finally blessed me and eased the hives. My response was that even when the hives were awful, God was continually blessing me. This past year has been trying, I admit, but it has been a wonderful year. Myself and my family have been blessed beyond measure this year and I have seen God's hand at work more than ever before. My husband found God and was baptized! That alone made this a great year!

I feel closer to God than ever before. I feel it was through the hives that God taught me so many things. Patience has been one of those things. My wise mother always told me to be careful when I prayed for patience. For it is only through trying times that we learn patience. Well, boy was she right. When the hives would cover my body and itch, sting and leave bruises; when the steroids made me gain so much weight and made me unrecognizable; when I thought the hives would never stop; well, that's when God would step in. He would calm me. I would lean on Him. He would comfort me like never before. I knew it would be alright. Sometimes, when life breaks us down and brings us to our knees, we are in the perfect position to pray!

Compassion is something else I have learned. Compassion for other people. When you see someone that is large, when you are behind someone that is slow, when someone snaps at you or is rude, don't be quick to judge. You never know what that person is going through. That person could have an uncontrollable medical condition, or could have just received bad news. Have compassion for those around you. Pray for those who anger you, for you never know what demons they are dealing with. Most of all, don't judge. When the doctor said there was a 90% chance I had cancer, the world didn't stop like I thought it should. There is no telling what the people in the mall thought, when I took Molly there the day before my surgery. It was obvious I was spoiling her rotten and letting her get away with more than usual. What they didn't know is that I thought I had cancer and was scared to death that I wouldn't get to see her grow up.

Priorities. My priorities got put in order! I realized real quick that life can be taken away real quick. Will it matter what my profession or professional title was here on earth? Will it matter how much money I made? Will it matter how big my house was or how expensive my possessions were? No, No, No, No and No!!! So, if I put all my time, effort, and money in being "successful" what does that mean? What society sees as success is most definitely NOT what matters. What matters is, am I putting more effort into building my heavenly possessions as I am my earthly ones? What about you? Are you working nonstop just to make more and more money to pay for more and more possessions that you think you HAVE to have? Now, everyone has to work to provide for their family, I completely understand that and a hard worker is definitely to be commended, but has it taken over your life? Is your job your life? Or, better yet, in this day and age, did you throw anyone under the bus to get the position you hold now? I just hope and pray everyone is putting as much time and effort into building the heavenly kingdom as we are our earthly one.

Vanity. Now this one I am still working on. This one is hard and is a daily struggle with me. I have gained so much weight from being on steroids for an entire year, that I am unrecognizable. This is hard to swallow, but man do I see things differently from this perspective. Call it being paranoid, but I honestly feel as if I have been treated differently being the size I am. Well, I have treated myself differently, so what do I expect of others? I'm working on that, too. I had someone whom I spent time with because of an event. This person had all the trendy clothes, trendy cute hair, expensive trendy purse, and tiny, tan body. I made every effort to connect with this person since we had to spend a week working together, to no avail. I didn't look like her, dress like her or have the stuff she had. I was constantly asking questions about herself and her family, with not one question from her about myself or mine. Now, this could just have been a lack of southern manners, but either way, when someone is making an effort to get to know you, be friendly. It is what is on the inside that counts. True beauty comes from within. God makes us beautiful, not what we wear or how we appear on the outside. I tell myself this every day, and while my outward appearance has changed drastically, so has my inside appearance. God is in the process of an extreme makeover in me, and it's going to be awesome!

Self-worth. God is in the process of teaching me this one. I have been struggling with my self-worth. I am just a stay-at-home mom, I'm sick all the time, and I've gained weight. This will definitely take a toll on your self-worth. I sometimes feel as if the world is passing me by and I'm watching it from my living room window. I had an evening out with a few friends and I struggled with feeling like an outsider. I didn't know the newest and greatest music, I didn't know the latest news around town or happenings in the professional world, I wasn't wearing the trendiest clothes or shoes, and the only conversations I really chimed in on were about kids. Uh, hello, self-worth, are you in there? Also (and I can say this because my hubby doesn't read my blogs) when CJ had his surgery, I was able to see some of the people my husband works with on a daily basis. The people he spends as much of, and sometimes more of, his time with than me. Uh, can we say insecure?! However, I know he loves me, our family, and this life God and so generously blessed us with. God is working every day to increase my self-worth. I pray every day that I will be open to this blessing.

Since a lot of my self-worth is unfortunately tied to my weight, I am praying every day, sometimes many, many times a day, for self-control. I know my God is bigger than steroids. I am proud to say that, with God's help, I have lost 6.5 lbs in 2 weeks!  I have a weight loss chart on my refrigerator with these scriptures:

"For this reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." 2 Peter 1:6-8. 

"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your home fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:13.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So, I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air, but I discipline my body." 1 Corinthians 9:24-27.

and of course....

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" Philippians 4:13.

So, this is the day it's been over a year since I have had hives, but this is also the day I realize just how much I have been blessed during this year. God is truly amazing and I see his miracles every day. In two weeks, I will leave to go to the Mayo clinic. I know God will continue to work miracles through the doctors there. I just know the hives are on their way out the door. I pray for each and every one of you and pray that you, too, will, see the miracles God is performing in your life.

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

that my liver doctor called me at home. On a holiday....

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also the USA's 235th birthday. This is also the day my liver doctor called me at home on the 4th of July.

I had my ultrasound guided liver biopsy Thursday. They sedated me, like they do with a colonoscopy, so I don't really remember much of the procedure. I remember them injecting the lidocaine and then when they made the first pass through the mass in my liver with the cutting needle. Sounded like a loud pop gun going off. In my stomach. Pretty weird. Then I remember waking up. Glad I don't remember the other two passes they made through the mass. Was feeling pretty good, until I went to get out of the car at mom and dad's house. Pain so sharp I couldn't breathe. I just knew I was gonna be sick, but I couldn't move. Made it to a chair. Hurt to breathe. Hurt to speak. Right shoulder pain. Yep, if I would've read the discharge instructions, those were all the signs to go to the emergency room. Took a pain pill.

Friday was better, as long as I didn't do much. Saturday morning was okay, too. Then I picked up my 27 lb baby, which, by the way, they told me I could do the day after surgery. Wrong! Saturday evening through Sunday night were miserable. Apparently, after running this by my doctor, I was bleeding from my biopsy site, but it was being contained in the membrane surrounding the liver, causing the pain. This only happens in about 10% of liver biopsy patients. Myself and my mom (two years earlier) were the lucky 10%. Apparently after it bleeds, the blood kind of congeals, and the body eventually reabsorbs it. So, I will have some pain for probably a few weeks or even months. How did I get so lucky. I can't complain, though. My mom bled and had a hematoma on her liver the size of a grapefruit that still causes her some pain sometimes, and that was two years ago.

Today was a little better, though. I slept in my bed all night, and I have made it without pain pills today. I only get nauseous when I lay down. I even went outside and watched my babies playing in the sprinkler and pool and eating watermelon. I had to watch all of this out of a window yesterday. Not today. Today I was determined to be a part of it. Today I got splashed with water, bit by an ant, and loved every minute of it.

Today I got a call from my doctor. On a holiday. On his day off. From his cellphone. I was kind of freaking out a little. Until he said, "Well, I have your biopsy results here and I was just going to call you and let you know it is a benign focal nodular hyperplasia." Benign. I never get tired of hearing that word. Praise God! Again! and Again! and Again!!! He never ceases to amaze and bless me! Oh, wait, it gets better.... he said, "and actually, since a FNH rarely turns into cancer, I don't think we are going to do surgery. I just want to monitor it about every 6 months or so!" No surgery!!! Praise God!!! My response, "Wonderful, because after this, it would have had to be really bad for me to let anyone touch my liver again!" Woo Hoo! Hands off, surgeons! No one is touching my liver! I would do a happy dance, but it would hurt. My insides are doing a happy dance! It made my liver quiver! lol!

So, cancer scares....check! Cancer free....check! Next! Look out hives, you are next. Hives are going down! Headed to Mayo in a month and we are going to figure out the cause of the hives. I am going to get off steroids. My life will go back to boring and normal. I will exercise. I will lose this weight. I will play with my kids. I will praise God every day for the miracles he has given me and will continue to bless me with. We serve an amazing God, people. If he can do this for little ol me, imagine what he can do for you! Trust Him today! Reminds me of a little song I know...

Oh! How He loves you and me!
Oh! How He love you and me!
He gave His life, what more could He give?!
Oh! how He loves you!
Oh! How He loves me!
Oh! How He loves you and me!

I hope everyone had a wonderfully blessed 4th of July like I did!

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

I challenge myself and maybe you...

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also the day I confess. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I am too quick to get angry and say things I should not. Sometimes I fall asleep while I am praying, and I am afraid to witness.

Today I know that God forgives me of all my sins and my slate is wiped clean. Today I pray for a calm emotional state to drive out the anger. Steroids do not help with the anger issue, but my God is bigger than steroids.

What I am most ashamed of is my fear of witnessing. I hide behind this computer. I can pray on what to write in my blog and quote scriptures, but put me in front of an actual person and I freeze. I get nervous and start to sweat. What if they laugh at me? What if they get mad at me? What if they yell at me? See a pattern to these questions? Yep, me me me. It's the vanity thing again. What if I look bad? These thoughts are awful, I know! I feel the devil smiling as I choke. I pray for my vanity and fear to be overcome by words and scripture that can only come from God himself.

This week I am challenging myself to trust God, step out on pure faith, and witness to someone face to face. I would LOVE it if someone out there would be willing to take this challenge with me?! Pray about it and if you accept, comment on this post. We can be each other's support team!

"I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me, you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples." John 15:5-8

This is also the day I pray for peace. My liver doctor called me personally Friday. It concerns me when the doctor calls me personally. He had the results of my MRI. I could barely hear him over the pounding of my heart. He said the MRI proved that the solid round mass was definitely not a benign hemangioma, but still wasn't clear as to what the mass was. He wants me to have a liver biopsy. He wants to discuss my case with transplant surgeons because they do more liver cases than any other surgeon. I wonder if he is telling me everything. I ask, "so is the mass following any cancer patterns?" he said the mass wasn't following any patterns, which is why we still "haven't ruled out cancer." Have I mentioned how much I hate the "c" word?

So, this is the day God calms my fears. He has performed great miracles in me, and this will be no different. I google it. Yes, I know, but I did it anyway. Apparently, unless you are a heavy drinker or have hepatitis (neither of which apply to me), primary liver cancer is very rare. All will be ok. Not looking forward to a liver biopsy, but God has it under control.

So, this is the day I challenge myself. Who is with me? I am looking forward to seeing some responses!

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

Of more doctor visits and more realizations!

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also the day I saw another specialist. Today I saw a liver specialist about the mass on my liver. Knowing you have a mass on an organ is an unsettling feeling. Having conflicting radiologist reports as to what that mass is, doesn't help any. So, instead of waiting, I went to a liver specialist. Today, I feel better. I am actually totally confident in Dr. Dies. He has me set up for an MRI next week. He's pretty sure it's not cancer, but because it is causing some discomfort, he will decide after the MRI if the mass needs to be removed. Now I can just focus on taking care of my baby boy.

My 15 month old had to have surgery Friday. Little boy urology surgery, but as a parent, no surgery is routine. Everything turned out fine, he is just still a little fussy and sore, but once again God answered prayers and took good care of my baby.  However, I do believe those were the longest 1 1/2 hrs of my life waiting for him to come out of surgery. While waiting, I noticed something. I did not have hives. I began to think back and the few days before and day of my breast surgery, I had hardly any hives. I take comfort in this little realization. Kind of like the footprints in the sand, in times of extreme stress, my hives go away. God has it under control and knows how much I can handle. He is carrying me through, even now.

This is also the day I read an article about this famous young actor killed in a car crash. So sad. What tore my heart out was what the article had to say. He was in all the Jack*** movies and what he was most famous for I just can't write on here. How unbelievably sad. This man lived on this earth for 30 or 40 something years and that's all the media had to say about him?! "Man, he was funny." He only had a few brief years to live on this earth, and that's what he did? Make people laugh by doing extremely stupid stuff. Now, I realize that was just the media recapping his life of fame, and truly hope he was a Christian and was putting as much time and effort into his home in eternity as he was in making people laugh. We won't live forever, folks. Young people die every day. Some people are under the false belief that they can "have fun" now, and give their life to God when they get older. It doesn't work that way. Today could be your last day on earth.

"And He said to them, "Take heed and beware of covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses." Then He spoke a parable to them, saying: "The ground of a certain rich man yielded plentifully. And he thought within himself, saying, 'What shall I do, since I have no room to store my crops?' So he said, 'I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build greater, and there I will store all my crops and my goods. And I will say to my soul, "Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years, take your ease; eat, drink, and be merry."' But God said to him, 'Fool! This night your soul will be required of you; then whose will those things be which you have provided?' So is he who lays up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God." Luke 12:15-21.

Are you ready for eternity? Have you put as much time and effort in your eternal home as you have in your earthly home and possessions that you can't take with you when God calls you home?

Today I realize there is a line most people don't speak of. That line where some people feel if you cross into living for and serving God that you don't get to have fun anymore. I actually had someone tell me they couldn't do the "religion thing" because they "didn't want to feel guilty all the time." WOW! This couldn't be further from the truth! Christians have tons of fun and, the thing is, we can have fun with a completely clear conscience. We don't need drugs or tons of alcohol to give us a high or fog our brains, because the high you feel when you worship God and are close to Him and witness His miracles first hand is soooo much better than anything you can buy! Now, I'm not perfect. Far from it! I've tasted sin. But what I have now is so much better, I assure you. There really is no describing it. You have to feel it for yourself. I can tell you firsthand, I feel no guilt. God washed my sin and guilt away. Only joy. Pure joy. You should try it.

This is also the day I confirmed my appointment with the Mayo clinic. August 9th is the big day. Also found out the Mayo is out of network for my insurance. Ouch! I'm still weighing my options. Every morning when I wake up with hives and see what the steroids are doing to my body, I search for plane tickets online. Then, by evening when the hives have faded, I start thinking about $$$. I just don't know what to do right now, but God will direct my path, that I do know. I hope and pray to find a doctor here that will figure me out so I don't have to go 13 hrs away. We will see.

"And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. But seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you." Luke 12:29-31.

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

that I got more results.

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also the day I got more results. After having a CT scan with contrast last week after finding a solid mass on my liver, today is the day my doctor wanted to discuss the results. Which would have been great had he reviewed the results and been prepared for my visit. He sweeps in with my chart in hand, looking at it as he asks me about my blood pressure (which is still high). I begin to answer and then stop. Wait. I want to know the results of the CT of my liver mass. "Well, let's see what they had to say." Uh, ya think?!?

Today I realize that no one has any clue as to what is going on. Well, God does, but no human. Apparently, after the ultrasound, the radiologist report said benign hemangioma. After the CT scan, the radiologist said it is not a hemangioma, it is benign, but it not sure as to what the mass really is. Report requests a follow-up CT with contrast in 3 months. Well, if it is so benign, why come back in 3 months?!? Isn't that huge amounts of radiation that could cause cancer?!?

Yep, you guessed it. Today is the day I got fed up. That positive upbeat attitude went out the window for a little while. While extremely grateful that I don't have cancer (extremely blessed and relieved), I felt like we had hit a wall. Today my hives are progressively getting worse and, as predicted, are now leaving bruises and lasting longer despite the fact I am still on steroids. So, we think we have ruled out cancer. Awesome! Praise the Lord! So, now what? Well, my doctor seems as if he has officially thrown up his hands and pretty much told me to see more specialists and that he didn't know.

So today I sent in my application for the Mayo Clinic. Apparently they specialize in weird cases involving chronic urticarial vasculitis like mine. They will be contacting me in two business days.

Okay, I take a deep breath. It's all going to be okay. God is putting me through for a reason. It has defintitely brought me closer to the Lord and I have gained some wonderful relationships at First Baptist Haughton in the process. It is just so frustrating to think your doctor is finally understanding that you have had this condition for almost a year and he is on a track to do something about it, just for him to throw up his hands and give up on you. And then, my dermatologist who had been so wonderful, just moved to California. Great. Just a little frustrating. But okay. God will continue to give me strength to see this through. I will not allow myself to get discouraged or depressed. God has it under control and the root of the issue will be brought forth in His time after His purpose for it is served. In the meantime I will pray and scratch and pray.

On the way home from the doctor, on the verge of tears, the song "I Can Only Imagine" comes on the radio. I pull myself out of my pity party and realize the miracles He has worked in me. I don't have breast cancer because of Him. I don't have liver cancer because of Him. I am a walking miracle. I think for a minute if that outcome would have been different. What if I had heard today that I had liver cancer. There is no cure for liver cancer and it has a very high mortality rate. Would I be doing anything in my life different had the news been different. How would I choose to live my last months?

Today I ask you the question, if, at your next doctor's appointment, they tell you you have a terminal cancer, what would you do? After thinking about all you might miss on this earth, would you smile and rejoice at the wonderful thought of spending eternity wrapped in God's arms in an unimaginable, beautiful heaven? Would you run to church as soon as possible to get "right" with God? Would you fear death and eternity? Would you hurt for your loved ones hurting, but have an awesome sense of peace for your soul and where you would spend eternity?

Today, we are all one car wreck, one terminal diagnosis, one accident away from eternity. Or, Jesus could come back tomorrow! Are your affairs in order? Have you put as much time, effort and money into your heavenly mansion as you have put into your house and possessions here on earth? I assure you, we won't take our earthly possessions with us. All of that could be taken away in an instant. Our heavenly mansion, however, will last forever. We are just one prayer away from a beautiful, peaceful, eternal, miraculous relationship with God.

Today, I continue to count my blessings. I do not have cancer. God will handle all else in His own time. I pray for peace and patience in the meantime. What I do have is a closer relationship with Him, and for that I will be forever grateful.

 "This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

that I realize "you don't know whatcha got til it's gooone."

(You are singing the song in your head, aren't you? Lol!)

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also the day I woke up with pretty bad hives. They have been getting progressively worse over the last few days, so it wasn't too unexpected. So, today I had to take more steroids. I have been on steroids for about 9 months now (except for about a week), and have to adjust my dosage according to how bad my breakouts are. Sometimes, and if the pattern follows that will be a few days from now, my hives leave bruises. I really have to up my dosage then.

Steroids can be really good. Steroids can be really bad. Let's start out with my embarassing vanity. Ok, I've never considered myself gorgeous by any means, but, as the saying goes, hopefully "not too hard on the eyes." Ok, now that my looks are gone, I can admit that I was vain. I am still vain. Just imagine, all you women out there, if suddenly, over the course of a few months, your appearance was altered to the point that people didn't recognize you any more. That you gained so much weight that your clothes didn't fit (and you can't use pregnancy as an excuse.) I'm being totally honest here, so bear with me. I used to not mind that I got looks sometimes. Even an occasional rude cat call could make me feel a little better about myself. Now, there are no second glances and especially no cat calls. I know, really vain, right?!

Well, I do believe God is teaching me a lesson. I can't fit into any of my clothes, and refuse to go buy more because I'm going to get off steroids soon, I just know it. I gained 24 lbs in 4 months. Now, the 1- 2 weeks I was off steroids, I lost 14 lbs. Now, I'm back on them and have gained back 5. But it gets worse. I have the face of a 400 lb person. It's called a steroid "moon face." My face is almost unrecognizable. When I smile, my fat cheeks force my eyes closed. Seriously.

At Molly's birthday party, a dear sweet friend of mine was taking pictures. I was looking back at the pictures and saw a picture of myself and cried. Who is that?! That is not who I picture myself to be! That is not me! And, more side effects of steroids is what they call a "camel hump." Yep, I have a fat hump at the base of my neck. So, no pulling the hair up! Oh, and speaking of hair, it's falling out at an alarming rate. I can thank synthroid for that. Oh, and don't forget the raised, red, huge hives all over my body. So, here I am, heavier than I've ever been, thinning hair, a camel hump, hives and a moon face. Paint a pretty picture for ya? When I go out in public, I want to wear a shirt that says "I really don't look like this, I'm on steroids." I have caught myself spilling my medical history to people I haven't seen in a while, just so they will know that I'm not sitting at home letting myself go, it is the steroids. I refuse to be in pictures. My son will think I wasn't around for his first year of life! Silly, I know. Embarassingly vain, I know. I never realized just how vain I was until my "outside looks" were taken away.

Okay, no more pity party. I tell myself what I tell Molly when she informs me that she is pretty. "Pretty is as pretty does." It is what is on the inside that counts. As women, and some men, we spend a majority of our lives trying to look good. Now, I know you should take some pride in the way you dress and present yourself, but if I've learned anything, it is that life is too short to make "pretty" your goal. Just who are we trying to impress?

My hair might be thinning, but at least I have hair. My face might be extremely swollen, but 90% of the time, the hives don't get on my face, and that's a blessing. My sweet babies don't notice the difference and love me just the same. My precious husband still sees me as pretty, and he is all that matters. I have to give myself this pep talk every day. I have to hit my knees on a daily basis and pray to God to take away my embarassment and vanity. I have to work myself up to walk into a room of people with my head held high.

But, slowly, it's working. I am learning my lesson. I can see now just how silly it is to spend so much time, energy and money on being pretty. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not confusing pretty with healthy. Eating healthy and working out to be healthy is a totally different topic. I mean pretty. When women size up other women and judge on their looks. When we spend money we don't have just to try and look as pretty as someone else. That kind of pretty. When someone said to me, "Oh, wow. You really have gained weight. I hate that for you. You were looking so good the last time I saw you!" Oh, and yes, the person who said this was a woman.

Today, I have a new outlook and a new compassion for other people. I beg of you to do the same. You never know, when you see someone you might view as large or not pretty, what that person is going through at the time. Whether it is health related or just life related, our looks change, and  I beg of you to not judge on looks. Our looks will fade. No matter how you might try to fight it, everyone's looks will fade. We will all grow old, good Lord willing. There will always be someone prettier than us. You are wasting precious time trying to be prettier. It is what is on the inside that counts. No time will be wasted if you are making your insides prettier. God can do that! He is the ultimate plastic surgeon when it comes to making your inside soul pretty. And, get this, He is really cheap! Cheaper than any other plastic surgeon around! God is the ultimate transformer of looks! When His light shines through your soul, I assure you, you will be beautiful.

So, today I am telling myself all of this just as much as I am telling anyone that reads this. I still pray every day, sometimes more than once, to take away my vanity and embarassment. God is working wonders in me. He is the ultimate comforter and healer. This is the day I will praise Him for His "work in progress" that is my inside beauty.

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

...that I would like off this roller coaster, please?!

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
It's been a while since I last blogged and there is a reason for that. I'll get to that later. However, since you are a willing bystander, watching my crazy roller coaster of late, I'll start you off with the good news.

First, my baby girl graduated from Pre-K! To say I was a proud momma was an understatement. During graduation, my baby girl walked proudly to the microphone and recited the entire Lord's Prayer from memory! Ok, I'll stop now, but it was awesome! Next, came my husband's baptism. As my daughter put it, "I've been waiting for this, Daddy. It's the best day eveah!" And that it was! This was the first time since surgery that I held my son and we stood proudly behind the bapistry as my husband was baptized on our seven year wedding anniversary.  My son was crying and saying "bath" because he wanted to take a "bath" with Daddy and my daughter just wanted to know how many times the preacher was going to "dunk daddy." It was perfect! To say I was a proud wife was an understatement! Praise God for answered prayers! Next, came our seven year anniversary, then Molly's birthday and then the My Little Pony birthday party, complete with a jumpy thing in our backyard. These days have been full of blessings and memories and I thank God every chance I get.

Ok, If that's all you wanted to see of the happy part of this roller coaster ride of mine, you can stop reading now.

In my last blog, I talked about a pancreas scan. I had that done and the nurse called me about another issue and I asked her about the results of the pancreas scan. She said it showed hepatic steatosis. Hepatic steatosis means "fatty" and usually refers to the liver. I assumed since she was discussing my pancreas scan that that meant I had hepatic steatosis of the pancreas. 1) I totally resent the label of "fatty." I flashback to when I was younger and my brother would say "fatty, fatty two by four, can't fit through the bathroom door." I much prefer the label of juvenile. 2) Pancreatic hepatic steatosis is not common and usually means other organs are following suit. 3)Really?! 

Finally get the radiologist report a few days later and it says pancreas looks fine and possible hepatic steatosis of liver. Big difference! However, the same report also said my gallbladder looked completely normal with no stones seen. That would be great, except I don't have a gallbladder! So, just as you would have, I took the entire report with a grain of salt. Now, I was completely comfortable in telling myself there was nothing "fatty" about my organs, only juvenile. 

My internal doc set up ultrasound of my abdomen and kidneys to see if he could find the reason for my continued high blood pressure. This was last Wednesday, the day my daughter turned 5. I had to leave before she woke up to get tests done, just to come back home and pick up my son and take him to his doctor's appointment. Thank the good Lord for my parents. My dad took my daughter on a "date" to the boardwalk and spoiled her rotten for me. Thanks, dad.

Anyway, I have learned to read ultrasound techs. I can tell when they see something abnormal and when everything looks routine and normal to them. I was watching my tech's face while he was doing the abdominal ultrasound and all was fine for a while. Then he stopped. Then he stayed in one area for a while. Then, and this completely shocked me, he said he found something on my liver and he would show me in just a minute. After I got past the shock of the tech actually talking to me and telling me something, I thought, oh great, he's gonna call my liver "fatty" and I'm gonna get offended all over again.

After a few more minutes, he turned the screen around and pointed out a mass on my liver. A little over 2 cm solid mass on my liver. He said he would get it to the radiologist immediately and my doctor should have the report by that afternoon.

I didn't want to tell everybody, which is why I haven't blogged before now. I'm like the boy who cried wolf, except I'm the girl who cried cancer. twice. in one month. Sheesh. I have to tell someone, so I call a friend of mine and after I tell her and laugh at the craziness of it all, she says, "Well, you seem to be taking it well." Well, I thought, God has brought me this far, and he's not letting go now. After I get home and do some research, I realize that almost all liver masses are benign. This is great news, so hopefully not another cancer scare. However, it seems all types of benign liver masses usually need to be removed, except one. I pray and pray that that is the type of mass mine will be. I really, really, don't want another surgery.

After waiting around most of the next morning to hear from my doctor, I finally call just for them to tell me he is on vacation and won't be back until next week. I leave a message for the nurse. She calls me back and says the radiologist said the mass on my liver is probably a hemangioma and my doctor will be calling me next week to set up more tests just to make sure. Hemangioma! Whew! More answered prayers, folks! Hemangioma is the only type of solid liver mass that usually doesn't have to be removed! Praise to God Almighty!

So, today is the day before I hear from my doctor as to what the next step will be in this roller coaster journey. Today is the day I am still counting my blessings. Today is the day I am officially tired of the tests. I just don't want any more bad news. However, it is almost one year since I began having hives. Every day (except for two weeks) I wake up to hives. Today, they were a little worse. Today, I wasn't able to fully enjoy our family outing to Cypress Black Bayou because of the hives. Today, I realize I must keep pushing. I must keep testing. Today, I have to have faith that God is leading the doctors to the answer. Today, I know my roller coaster ride isn't over yet, but I know who is at the controls.

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

that I have more tests, but I'm thinking about playing ball.

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also the day after I had more tests done and the day before I will have more tests done. As my doctor so delicately put it, "You have the blood pressure of a 85 year old man." I wanted to stick my tongue out and say, "Nu, Uh! I had a juvenile fibroadenoma!" I am holding on to that juvenile classification, in case you couldn't tell. So, my internal doctor is doing a workup to find the root of this sudden high blood pressure. Leave it to me to never have high blood pressure and then have 165/108. So, yesterday I had more tests.

Today, I get a letter from my oncologist. He has me set up for a high powered ultrasound of my pancreas. In the morning. Today, I feel that fear creeping back in. Today I begin to quiz my husband again. Today I learn that apparently there have been some cases, although rare, where hives have been associated with some pancreatic malignancies. However, today, I feel as though he is just doing this as a courtesy to my husband. Today, I put the fear aside. Today, I know that each step these doctors take are being led by God and everything they do is for a reason. Today, I feel we will rule out all the really bad stuff (like cancer) and then get to the not so bad root of the hives and high blood pressure. Today, I will concentrate on baseball. Yes, I said baseball. Wee ball, to be exact.

My 4 year old daughter decided to play ball this year. Wee ball. This is my first experience with wee ball. Tee ball, I've seen, not wee ball. Wee ball is hilarious. In case you didn't know, in wee ball, there are no outs, no one keeps score and no one wins or loses. So how is this playing ball, you say? Well, best as I can figure out, it teaches them the fundamentals of playing ball. They now know how to hit off a tee, how to throw, how to catch and how to run the bases, well, sort of. In wee ball, everyone helps everyone. If there is a kid up to bat that can't or won't hit the ball, one of the coaches helps them hit the ball. If there is a kid that won't run the bases, I have seen coaches physically pick up the child and carry them around the bases! If the ball is going to go outside of the bases, the coaches stop the ball with their foot so the child can get to it easier. As Molly's coach put it, "It's like herding cats." Anyway, as I was sitting there watching my daughter's wee ball game Saturday and laughing, it hit me. I have been playing wee ball with God!

Today I realized how much God is leading me toward a bigger goal, a purpose, a bigger game. Today, I realize I have been playing wee ball with God. He gave me my Christian uniform, he suited me up. He gave me all my protective gear to get into the game. Today, I realize that, for years I have been that shy little 3-4 year old Christian. He had to lead me to the plate. Not ready for the ball to be pitched to me, He set me up. He let me use the tee. He made it easy. I have made it hard. I finally hit the ball a few times, taking advantage of the God-given set up of life that was handed to me.

He knows where I need to go and leads me toward the bases, sometimes, dragging me there. Today, I have realized that I have learned the fundamentals of being a Christian, the basics, but I know I'm now too old for wee ball. I know I have had the rule book for quite some time now and pick it up and thumb through it and study passages here and there, but reading The Good Book in its entirety, I have not done. Today, I realize it's time. Time to move on to a much bigger game. God just hit one out of the park for me!!! It's the perfect set up to take off on my closer walk with God. With His lead, run where he wants me to go. Be ready for the fast balls life will throw. I picture God, my awesome coach, handing me my hot pink helmet and saying, "Play ball."

Today, I realize God knows the ending. Just like He knew the beginning. My coach has prepared and is continuing to prepare me for this game. I've taken a few hits, but I know it's part of the game, part of the bigger plan. God has led me here. I can only pray that my heart and mind will be open enough to listen to His coaching and I can play the best game I know how.

God put this passage in front of me on Sunday.

"For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many rebound to the glory of God. For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory." 2 Corinthians 4: 15-17.

God has put these afflictions in my path. He has a reason. I have full faith that none of these afflictions are to cause harm, but to serve a purpose in the big game. Not wee ball anymore. This will make me a better player, a better Christian, just as long as I listen to my Coach.

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

...I almost cracked, and so did mom.

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is the day I am more thankful than ever for my sweet mother! She got here on Monday and isn't leaving until today, Friday. She has cooked, cleaned, taken care of the kids and me this whole week. She has been awesome, but I think she has almost had enough. She actually started counting to Molly. Not as in teaching her to count but as in, "Molly Jewel Lawton!!! Alright, OOONNNNNEEEE, TWWWOOOO...." well, you get the picture. Sweet Nana had to put the smack down. Yep, she's about had it.

Today is the day I decided I wasn't going to take any more stinking pain pills. Yep, it still hurt, but it's been a week. I'm good. Really bad timing, because today is also the day we have to take my 14 month old to the urologist. The appointment is in the afternoon, during his naptime. So by the time we get there, I'm hurting, Mom's about had it, and Campbell is very fussy and wants a nap. Not good. I can't hold him or lay beside him during the 30 minute ultrasound. Today is the day my poor mother had to carry the diaper bag and my large child, and comfort him. Everything I should be doing. I know to everyone I looked like such a slacker mom. I could feel the stares of the women as they glared at me and gave my mom a sympathetic look as she was wrestling my child while I sat and watched. Today is the longest appointment ever! Today I was told my little man needed surgery. Today, this was almost too much. Today, I almost cracked. I hurt. Physically, yes, I was hurting quite a bit by now, but I hurt for my baby. No mom ever wants to hear that their baby has to have surgery. I call Brian. We decide we need a second opinion.

Today is the day my Mom almost cracked, too. In the car on the way home, we sighed. She was worn out. She thought last week her daughter had cancer, and has spent the last week taking care of her daughter and two kids and now her youngest grandbaby was going to have to have surgery. We looked at each other. I said, "This sucks." She said, "Yep."  Then we both say what we always say, "But in the scheme of things, this is nothing and it will all be okay." Then we begin to laugh. At what, I'm not sure. Yep, I think we have cracked.

Today, when we got home, Brian was home, so I took a pain pill, and my mom packed her stuff and left my driveway in record time. Today, my mom and I are both fine. Her hair is falling out and my blood pressure is through the roof, but we are fine. Lol! Seriously, we know God has it all under control. I love my momma!

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

...that I saw cancer.

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also the day I had my follow-up appointment with my surgeon. This is the day I saw cancer. Not on my chart. Not on my scans. Not on my pathology report.

I saw cancer. It was the woman about my age with a cute grey cap covering her balding head that was eating a sack lunch with her two kids in front of the cancer clinic. It was the little boy, who couldn't have been more than 12, that could barely hold his head up. He was being pushed in a wheelchair by his parents; his pale, white arm outstretched and strapped to a board where his IV was. It was the family leaning on each other crying after the doctor came out and told them news about their loved one. I can only assume the news was cancer.

It's all I can do to keep from crying as I watch all this cancer. This is just one day. This is just one clinic. I hate cancer. Today, I wish there was some way I could fight cancer. This time last week, I thought I had cancer. I was prepared to fight. I was ready to kick cancer's backside. Today, I am so thankful I do not have cancer, but now, how do I fight cancer? What can we do to fight cancer? Today, I begin my prayers with asking God help me find a way to fight cancer.

Today, after sitting here watching all this cancer, I begin to get a little nervous. I know the pathology results came back benign, but is that it? Am I really done with all this? They finally call me back. From what I understood of the doctor's fast-talking medical language, my mass was classified as a strange sort of Juvenile Fibroadenoma. I like the sound of juvenile. I didn't think I still could be put in that category. All the sections of the mass that were sent off were benign. Great news! I don't need to come see him for six months, when he wants me to have another ultrasound and mammogram to make sure nothing has grown back or they didn't miss anything. But, in the meantime, he still wants to run a few more precautionary tests. Hmmm. Today I wonder what he's looking for. Today I wonder if my husband wasn't a surgical resident, if he would be doing any further testing.

Today is also the day the doctor addressed my issue of high blood pressure. What?!? You just classified me as juvenile and now you say I've got high blood pressure?!? Apparently, during surgery and after, my blood pressure was really high. Today, at this appointment, my BP was high. I have never had high blood pressure! Before surgery, and many times before, they had to lay me down to even get a BP reading. Now, since the surgery, I have high blood pressure. That would explain the headaches and pounding in my head since surgery. Today, we begin the quest of finding the root of the sudden onset of crazy high blood pressure. Today, I say it's stress. Today, my mind knows I don't have cancer, but I think my body hasn't gotten the message yet. Today, high blood pressure is laughable after what I thought I had. Today, it's nothing after what I saw. Today, I saw cancer. I will never forget.

Today, after my husband got home, I told him as best as I could, what the doctor said. Today, my husband told me about his day. Today, he had to tell a family their loved one had cancer. I really hate cancer.

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

The results are in!

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is the day I felt better. This is the day I took a shower and washed and fixed my own hair. This is the day I thought I had two more days to wait for the official pathology results to come back.

This is the day my dear husband called me with news. Apparently he had tried to call me three times and I didn't hear my phone ring. My mom's phone rang and she handed it to me. Brian never calls me during the day. "Are you ok?" he said. I ask him the same thing. He never calls my mom's phone. "What's wrong?"

"Well, Dr. Li called me and he got the final pathology results back. It shows fibroadenoma. It's benign."

Seriously? Well, we were pretty sure this was the case, but now it's for real! The "highly suspicious probably cancerous" mass that has invaded and altered my life for the past few weeks has an official name, and it's not a duck! Benign. Fibroadenoma.

Benign.

Wow! God is good. God worked a miracle. God gets all the glory, honor and praise! Now, some may want to explain this away as a strange form of fibroadenoma, but I know better. If you research fibroadenoma (and I have), my mass had many more characteristics of cancer than fibroadenoma. My mass was larger than most fibroadenomas (4.15 cm across). My mass was greatly lobulated (the more lobulation, the higher risk of cancer). My mass was calcified in places (another sign of cancer). My mass was spiculated (had fingers coming out of it; huge cancer sign). My mass had more characteristics of cancer than fibroadenoma. But my mass never had a chance. My God handled my mass. My God turned my mass into a fibroadenoma and made it benign. My God has a plan for my life. I will return the favor the best I can. I am totally unworthy of this awesome miracle.

Now my hubby can get me a real Mother's Day present. J/K! We were so sure this was cancer, that we decided we would spend the weekend in Natchitoches or somewhere to just get away by ourselves before I had to start chemo and radiation. Because of the size of the mass, if it were cancer, there would have definitely been chemo and radiation. Oh, we of little faith!?!? My God took care of all that. And, no, he doesn't really have to get me anything. Material things mean a lot less now. God gave me my life. God gave me more days with my family and friends. I received the best Mother's Day gift anyone could ever ask for - an official name for my "highly suspicious" mass. God named it for me. Wow!

Now, next step is to remove the stitches. I am so ready to pick up my baby, but I know my 28 lb chunk will wait. I have time. I just hate my mom has to stay with me to take care of him. But, today, I am really enjoying this time with my mom.

Next step after this is to have a few more tests ran. I'm still having hives. 11 months now. Thought we had it traced to a thyroid issue, hives went away for two weeks, and then came back with a vengeance. So now I try a new immunosuppressant drug and get tested for other cancers. There have been some studies that relate chronic hives with a malignancy somewhere in the body, so I have to get a few organs checked just to make sure. But, after all this, I'm no longer worried. I know God has it covered. I think He has proven that to me and then some.

Just think, if God Almighty cares this much about little ol Krissy from Shongaloo, think how much He care for you! Please take this testimony to heart. He heard your prayers. He loves you! Try a closer walk with Him and just see what miracles He can work in your life! That, and a self breast exam. Don't forget that ;)

Today I am thankful beyond words. Thankful for my miracle. I would like to say thank you to all of you who prayed for us, all of the kind and thoughtful words, cards, phone calls and messages. Thank you to my dear sweet brother and sister-in-law, Amanda and Kristi. I leaned on y'all probably more than I should have. I know I scared the poo out of you. Sorry bout that. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being my rocks!

Thank you Ms. Debbie for the beautiful Prayer Shawl. Thank you Ms. Linda for the wonderful inspirational book and bookmark. Thank you, Gracanne for the delicious seafood casserole! Thank you Union Springs Baptist Church in Shongaloo.Thank you First Baptist Church Haughton for the outpouring of prayers and support for our little family that was so new to your church. I am overwhelmed.

Thank you friends and family. God heard your prayers. I felt your prayers. I am eternally grateful.

This is the day... I begin the rest of my life. This is the day! Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice!

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

...48 hrs post surgery & Mother's Day

"... that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalms 118:24

This is also the best Mother's Day I've ever had. This is the day i enjoyed every tiny moment with my family. This is the day I finally get to take a shower. This is the day I ripped the bandage off.

Yesterday was a good day. I felt better than I expected to feel. I can move my right arm a lot more than I thought I would. But I'm still in a fog. I'm still saying over and over "I don't have cancer." I still trying to convince myself. I can't sleep. This is especially strange because of the pain meds. When I do dose off, in my dreams I'm telling people I have cancer. In my dreams, the doctors are telling me I have cancer. I wake up sweating. Nope, can't sleep. Well, that and the fact I have a mentally handicapped mocking bird that sat outside my bedroom window and sang to me beginning at 11:30 p.m. and finally ending his concert at 5 a.m. This might make me reconsider my husband's plea to get Molly a BB gun for her birthday. I digress...

Today is a little worse in the pain department, but that's to be expected. Today is supposed to be the worst day, then better every day. Today, it feels like there are bricks sitting on my chest and that my right arm weighs 20 lbs. But, today is Mother's Day. This makes it better! Today, I woke up with hives (esp under the tight support bra) so I had to take steroids with my pain pill so I had to eat breakfast. My sweet husband drove to Waffle House and brought me my Mother's Day breakfast on the couch! So sweet!

Today I sat on the couch and watched my little family through the window. Brian had the kids in the backyard in their pjs working on my present. I almost start to cry as I see how tiny my babies are and how they are working so hard on a present for me. Today I was the receipient of the best Mother's Day present ever. Today I got a handmade stepping stone decorated with a half pink, half red heart with jewels! Today, I let myself cry.

Today, I was determined to go to church to praise God for this miracle He has given me. Today, I'm scared I overdid it yesterday, am hurting, and decide to stay at home while my sweet husband and kids go without me. Today, the preacher shared my miracle with the church that has been praying so hard for me. Today, Molly refused to go to her class. Today, Brian walks in the door from church with this very unpleasant look on his face. Today, my precious babies tried his patience. I laugh. Today, I realize just how much my babies (all 3 of them) need me.

Today, it's been 48 hours since they removed a mass larger than a golf ball from my breast. This is the day I can take a shower. This is the day I take my bandage off. Well, I can't do it. I make Brian do it. The bandage isn't very big, but as he peels it off, I look down at the ugly red line. I'm gonna be sick. The last piece of tape is stuck to the long end of a stitch. Just do it. I got this. Oooowwww. The nausea passes and I stare at it in the mirror. It ain't pretty, but I still have my breast. It's definitely gonna leave a good scar, but that's ok. The events of this week have left their mark on my heart and soul, so it's only fitting to have an external scar. I will heal. The scar will heal. Today, I saw how my body will be changed from all this. Today I realized this external change is matching an internal change. God has a purpose for saving my life.

As happy, excited and relieved as I am to have recieved such a miracle this week, today I can't help but be a little sad. This week, I did not have to hear the words, "you have cancer." But every 3 minutes, someone DID hear those words. Today, a mom is treasuring her Mother's Day because she is battling breast cancer and is scared. Today, a daughter, sister, mother, aunt, neighbor, grandmother is deciding on treatment options to battle their breast cancer so they can see another Mother's Day.

So, there is no better day than today to do your self breast exam! When you wish your family and friends a Happy Mother's Day, tell them to do a self breast exam. Early detection is the key! So come on ladies, together we can kick breast cancer in the backside and help our sisters celebrate more Mother's days.

This is the day I celebrate my best Mother's Day ever.

This is the day... (day of surgery)

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also the day of surgery. Mom and Dad arrive at my house to pick me up in the wee hours of the morning. The ride to Feist-Weiller Cancer Center is eerily quiet. We get there so early, the guard meets us at the door to tell us no staff has arrived yet. We wait.

This is the day I get to wear that lovely gown and hair net (which does absolutely nothing for my round steroid-swollen face). They even make me put scratchy booties over my gorgeous hot pink toenails?! But I look down at my 9 hot pink fingernails and smile. When the CRNA stops by to talk with me, I show her I left one unpainted. She laughs and then said she was just on her way to get the fingernail polish remover.

So, here I am, waiting. Waiting with nine hot pink fingernails, crazy hair in a hairnet, gorgeous hospital gown, pale white face with dark circles under my eyes (followed some of the no make-up rule) and sporting my hot pink 24 hour color stay lipstick. I'm sure it was a sight. I have my iphone with me, of course (hot pink cover). I am constantly checking my FB page for distraction. Today, I am completely overwhelmed by the well wishes, sweet words, thoughts, prayers and scriptures you are posting. I am refreshing and reading them while they put my IV in. I feel stronger. I feel God's presence.

My husband walks in in his doctor gear. It's so strange to see him in his element. In his scrubs and long white starched doctor's coat. The staff knows him. This is where he works. This is where he does surgeries. This is where he diagnoses cancer. This is where he removes cancer. You can see them look at my chart, look at him and you can see when they make the connection. But how strange must this be for him. I'm not another patient lying in wait for surgery to determine cancer. It's his wife.

A nurse introduces herself to me and I can tell she is not overly friendly. Nice, yes, but when she sees Brian, not overly friendly. Apparently, my husband and her didn't see eye to eye on something last week. GREAT! and she's my nurse. Doctors, take heed! Be nice to all nurses. You never know when one of them will be taking care of your family.

Surrounded by my mom, dad, brother, husband and preacher, we pray. We pray hard! I check FB one last time for the encouragement. Then it's time. They come to get me and push some meds in my IV. NICE. Why couldn't they have done that earlier? Here I go. Weeeeeee.......

Today I hate an OR! So cold. Everyone is nice, though. She tells me she is putting the meds in my IV to make me sleep. While she is doing this,  I make an announcement to the entire busy OR. "If there is anyone in here that knows my husband and doesn't like him, please don't take it out on me!" I pass out to the sound of laughter. Nice!

Today I hear them calling my name. I'm trying to answer. I'm trying to wake up. I can't. The drugged sleep feels so good. I hear their concern over my blood pressure. I'm just gonna go back t sleep, thank you. Then it hits me. They know. My family might know. The doctor knows. Do I have cancer. I start to fight off the sleep. I hate this feeling. I gotta know. I'm trying. I hear them say to get my husband. I'm fighting. Ouch, my chest really hurts. It's burning. OW! Maybe this is good. Maybe they got it all. I am coming around. I see Brian come around the curtain. He is smiling. It's a real smile. Not a pity smile. Seriously!?

"Well?" I manage to squeak out. "It's fine. It's ok. He is pretty sure it's a fibroadenoma."
What? Seriously? I let this sink in. Brian said he even did a frozen section of the mass while in the OR, and it came back fibroadenoma (benign). I understand and am relieved, but it won't sink in. Apparently my body doesn't understant it's ok, either, and my BP and HR are through the roof. It hurts. Pain meds, please? After more pain meds, I feel better and BP and HR follow suit.

Today I want to know how big my mass was. This highly-suspicious probably cancer that fooled everyone. How big was it? I think I ask everyone at least 3 times. My mom grows tired of this, but I have to know. I'm obsessed with the size of the thing that has altered my life for the past month. I am pushing.  I want stats. I want percentages. What is the chance it could still be cancer? Am I really in the clear. Someone said 95% chance it is not cancer. Not sure who said it, but I am holding on to this. This sounds good to me. Of course, everyone just kept repeating, "we will know for sure next week when all pathology reports come back."

Today, I received a miracle! Today, God shocked even the doctors when HE showed them HE had this! I have been saying "I got this." Just an FYI, I never had it. I tried, but God let me know real quick that I could never "have it." HE had it under control. HE performed a complete and total miracle! I am floored. Who am I that I am worthy enough for such a miracle. Today I am humbled.

I take a deep breath. I immediately feel the pull of the stitches. It hurts. It puts the idea back into my mind, what if it is still cancer? I was so prepared for cancer, it's almost like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I take a pain pill and google fibroadenoma. Stupid, I know, but I'm obsessed. Has anyone else had a huge, lobulated fidroadenoma that turned out to be cancer? I can't find anything. Good.

Today, I am ashamed of myself. I just received this miracle and now I'm doubting? No, I will not let this happen. Now, I will be positive. I will breathe easier next week. When the hole in my breast fills with fluid like its supposed to. When I can lift my arm without pain. When I can take this stinking tight bra off. When I know for sure the pathology results.

Today, I don't feel worthy. I am not worthy of this miracle God has performed. I am not worthy of all of the support and prayers. But I accept it all. I appreciate it all more than words can say. Thank you doesn't seem like enough to say. This is the first day of the rest of my long life.

THIS IS THE DAY!
"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is the day.... (before surgery)

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is the day before surgery. The day before the day that could alter the course of my life. After waiting an additional week to be sure, of course. This is the day I got my nails painted neon pink.

This is the day I felt a peace. I have felt better today than I have for the past few days. I can feel the prayers!My oncologist is such a wonderful man and was so reassuring today. He didn't feel any lymph node involvement, which is great news, and there is still a chance that I don't have cancer. Oh, and he has yet to say the "c" word. But for now, that's fine with me.

This is the day I had mother and daughter day with my almost 5 year old baby. Her choice of Chick-fil-A for lunch in the mall and fingernail and toenails painted. She went with sparkly turquoise. I, of course, chose hot pink. My new favorite color.

Now, anyone who has had surgery probably knows there are strict rules that you must follow before going into the OR. Today, I am a rebel. I am violating two of the major rules of the OR. No fingernail polish and no make-up. Well, I'm not completely violating them. I left one fingernail not painted, and I am not going to wear full make-up. However, I will be wearing the long-lasting hot pink lipstick that my daughter picked out to match my nails. If it's too much of an issue, they can wipe it off after I'm asleep.

So, tomorrow I will be the one the OR staff is probably complaining and/or laughing about. The poor pale white girl with crazy hair (can't use any hair products), crazy hot pink lipstick and nine hot pink nails. These people know my husband. Sorry, babe. This makes me smile. I need that. I need to be not just another case on the OR table. I need to be more than a number or a file. I am a 32-year-old mother of two, wife of a surgery resident, sister, and daughter that is scared to death she might have cancer. But the pink helps me smile. I got this.

Well, I hope everyone that read my blog yesterday went out and felt of some boobs! Please tell me you did! Please tell me you shared this story with someone else you love that went out and felt of some more boobs!

I better go. Gonna pick up my 28 lb 14 month old while I still can, try to clean up this house a bit, go buy Mother's Day gifts, purchase a supportive sports bra for after surgery and eat a nice meal before my 8:00 p.m. solid food deadline.

This is the day I have felt your prayers. I know I will feel them all tomorrow as well. I got this!

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is the day...

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also the day that rocked my world. The day that could change my life.

"Suspicious." Such an interesting word. When I think of this word, I think of spys and terrorists. Well, now it has a whole new meaning to me. Today, "suspicious" was a word in a radiologist report. Today, "suspicious" was used to describe a large mass in my right breast. Today, "suspicious" could mean cancer.

Did you know a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer every 3 minutes? Today, I am not one of them. Today, I am waiting to see if I will be one of them. Today, I'm just "suspicious."

Apparently, surgeons are very tight-lipped people. He won't tell me that its absolutely cancer. He just says that word again, except he puts another word in front of it - "highly-suspicious." Really?!? Like you don't see this every day. Like you can't tell me yes or no?!? Seriously?!? I keep pushing until my poor husband, who understands this tight-lipped surgeon language, tells me, "Krissy, it's probably cancer."

This still doesn't satisfy me. "Probably?!?" "Probably highly suspicious?!" I need a definite. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, apparently we still have to take the duck to the operating room, dissect it, send off the pieces, and wait for a pathology report  to say, "Yep,it's a duck!"

So, this little duck is on the OR schedule for Friday. Two days from now they will remove the large 4.15 cm probably highly suspicious mass from my right breast. Then I wait some more. Up to one week for the report to come back to see if it is a duck. To see what the "probably highly suspicious" mass will now be called.

Benign - we were wrong about our suspicions. There is no cancer. You are fine. or "It's cancer." Will the tight-lipped surgeon really say the "c" word?

Whatever it is, I'm prepared. I'm one of those that prefers to research it and scare the poo out of myself and be prepared to face the worst, than sticking my head in the sand and pretending all is okay. I would rather be pleasantly surprised than utterly devasted.

But, if it's cancer, can I really be prepared? Yes, yes, I can. There is no room in my head or heart for doubt right now. God never puts more on us than we can bear. So, apparently I'm a warrior princess and all will be okay. Boobs and hair can all be replaced. This will not kill me!

This is my first attempt at blogging and some may find this wierd that I'm putting my very personal business out there for all to see. But I have to. This is me. I have to know that some good can come out of all this. My reason for this is not to share my business with everyone to have people feel sorry for me.

My reason is simple. I am only 32!!! 32, people! I had never done a self breast exam. I mean, come on, I'm 32! Something possesed me (guided by God) to attempt a self breast exam two and a half months ago while taking a shower. I felt the lump, assumed it was a cyst. Why? Because I'm only 32! The odds were slim to none it was anything to be concerned about. Well, Hello "slim to none," I'd like you to meet "highly suspicious."

So, if you are a woman, or if you love a woman, go feel on some boobs! Seriously, I don't care if you are 21, 32 or 48 years old, please, please go right now and do a self breast exam. Husbands, if you love your woman, feel her boobs. Go in circles and feel for any lumps or bumps, no matter how small. If you find something, don't wait! Call your dr. Mammograms aren't that bad, especially if it can save your life. Please, please, do this for me. I pray you don't have to endure the words "highly suspicious."

Another very selfish reason for this blog is prayers. I am not too proud to ask for prayers. I believe God is listening to each and every one and it makes me stronger.

For now, this little duck sits and waits on what to call her "probably highly suspicious" mass.
On Friday, they will remove the mass and then one more week of wait. I can do this. I got this.

"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24