"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I had my follow-up appointment with my surgeon. This is the day I saw cancer. Not on my chart. Not on my scans. Not on my pathology report.
I saw cancer. It was the woman about my age with a cute grey cap covering her balding head that was eating a sack lunch with her two kids in front of the cancer clinic. It was the little boy, who couldn't have been more than 12, that could barely hold his head up. He was being pushed in a wheelchair by his parents; his pale, white arm outstretched and strapped to a board where his IV was. It was the family leaning on each other crying after the doctor came out and told them news about their loved one. I can only assume the news was cancer.
It's all I can do to keep from crying as I watch all this cancer. This is just one day. This is just one clinic. I hate cancer. Today, I wish there was some way I could fight cancer. This time last week, I thought I had cancer. I was prepared to fight. I was ready to kick cancer's backside. Today, I am so thankful I do not have cancer, but now, how do I fight cancer? What can we do to fight cancer? Today, I begin my prayers with asking God help me find a way to fight cancer.
Today, after sitting here watching all this cancer, I begin to get a little nervous. I know the pathology results came back benign, but is that it? Am I really done with all this? They finally call me back. From what I understood of the doctor's fast-talking medical language, my mass was classified as a strange sort of Juvenile Fibroadenoma. I like the sound of juvenile. I didn't think I still could be put in that category. All the sections of the mass that were sent off were benign. Great news! I don't need to come see him for six months, when he wants me to have another ultrasound and mammogram to make sure nothing has grown back or they didn't miss anything. But, in the meantime, he still wants to run a few more precautionary tests. Hmmm. Today I wonder what he's looking for. Today I wonder if my husband wasn't a surgical resident, if he would be doing any further testing.
Today is also the day the doctor addressed my issue of high blood pressure. What?!? You just classified me as juvenile and now you say I've got high blood pressure?!? Apparently, during surgery and after, my blood pressure was really high. Today, at this appointment, my BP was high. I have never had high blood pressure! Before surgery, and many times before, they had to lay me down to even get a BP reading. Now, since the surgery, I have high blood pressure. That would explain the headaches and pounding in my head since surgery. Today, we begin the quest of finding the root of the sudden onset of crazy high blood pressure. Today, I say it's stress. Today, my mind knows I don't have cancer, but I think my body hasn't gotten the message yet. Today, high blood pressure is laughable after what I thought I had. Today, it's nothing after what I saw. Today, I saw cancer. I will never forget.
Today, after my husband got home, I told him as best as I could, what the doctor said. Today, my husband told me about his day. Today, he had to tell a family their loved one had cancer. I really hate cancer.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
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