This is the day... (day of surgery)

"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

This is also the day of surgery. Mom and Dad arrive at my house to pick me up in the wee hours of the morning. The ride to Feist-Weiller Cancer Center is eerily quiet. We get there so early, the guard meets us at the door to tell us no staff has arrived yet. We wait.

This is the day I get to wear that lovely gown and hair net (which does absolutely nothing for my round steroid-swollen face). They even make me put scratchy booties over my gorgeous hot pink toenails?! But I look down at my 9 hot pink fingernails and smile. When the CRNA stops by to talk with me, I show her I left one unpainted. She laughs and then said she was just on her way to get the fingernail polish remover.

So, here I am, waiting. Waiting with nine hot pink fingernails, crazy hair in a hairnet, gorgeous hospital gown, pale white face with dark circles under my eyes (followed some of the no make-up rule) and sporting my hot pink 24 hour color stay lipstick. I'm sure it was a sight. I have my iphone with me, of course (hot pink cover). I am constantly checking my FB page for distraction. Today, I am completely overwhelmed by the well wishes, sweet words, thoughts, prayers and scriptures you are posting. I am refreshing and reading them while they put my IV in. I feel stronger. I feel God's presence.

My husband walks in in his doctor gear. It's so strange to see him in his element. In his scrubs and long white starched doctor's coat. The staff knows him. This is where he works. This is where he does surgeries. This is where he diagnoses cancer. This is where he removes cancer. You can see them look at my chart, look at him and you can see when they make the connection. But how strange must this be for him. I'm not another patient lying in wait for surgery to determine cancer. It's his wife.

A nurse introduces herself to me and I can tell she is not overly friendly. Nice, yes, but when she sees Brian, not overly friendly. Apparently, my husband and her didn't see eye to eye on something last week. GREAT! and she's my nurse. Doctors, take heed! Be nice to all nurses. You never know when one of them will be taking care of your family.

Surrounded by my mom, dad, brother, husband and preacher, we pray. We pray hard! I check FB one last time for the encouragement. Then it's time. They come to get me and push some meds in my IV. NICE. Why couldn't they have done that earlier? Here I go. Weeeeeee.......

Today I hate an OR! So cold. Everyone is nice, though. She tells me she is putting the meds in my IV to make me sleep. While she is doing this,  I make an announcement to the entire busy OR. "If there is anyone in here that knows my husband and doesn't like him, please don't take it out on me!" I pass out to the sound of laughter. Nice!

Today I hear them calling my name. I'm trying to answer. I'm trying to wake up. I can't. The drugged sleep feels so good. I hear their concern over my blood pressure. I'm just gonna go back t sleep, thank you. Then it hits me. They know. My family might know. The doctor knows. Do I have cancer. I start to fight off the sleep. I hate this feeling. I gotta know. I'm trying. I hear them say to get my husband. I'm fighting. Ouch, my chest really hurts. It's burning. OW! Maybe this is good. Maybe they got it all. I am coming around. I see Brian come around the curtain. He is smiling. It's a real smile. Not a pity smile. Seriously!?

"Well?" I manage to squeak out. "It's fine. It's ok. He is pretty sure it's a fibroadenoma."
What? Seriously? I let this sink in. Brian said he even did a frozen section of the mass while in the OR, and it came back fibroadenoma (benign). I understand and am relieved, but it won't sink in. Apparently my body doesn't understant it's ok, either, and my BP and HR are through the roof. It hurts. Pain meds, please? After more pain meds, I feel better and BP and HR follow suit.

Today I want to know how big my mass was. This highly-suspicious probably cancer that fooled everyone. How big was it? I think I ask everyone at least 3 times. My mom grows tired of this, but I have to know. I'm obsessed with the size of the thing that has altered my life for the past month. I am pushing.  I want stats. I want percentages. What is the chance it could still be cancer? Am I really in the clear. Someone said 95% chance it is not cancer. Not sure who said it, but I am holding on to this. This sounds good to me. Of course, everyone just kept repeating, "we will know for sure next week when all pathology reports come back."

Today, I received a miracle! Today, God shocked even the doctors when HE showed them HE had this! I have been saying "I got this." Just an FYI, I never had it. I tried, but God let me know real quick that I could never "have it." HE had it under control. HE performed a complete and total miracle! I am floored. Who am I that I am worthy enough for such a miracle. Today I am humbled.

I take a deep breath. I immediately feel the pull of the stitches. It hurts. It puts the idea back into my mind, what if it is still cancer? I was so prepared for cancer, it's almost like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I take a pain pill and google fibroadenoma. Stupid, I know, but I'm obsessed. Has anyone else had a huge, lobulated fidroadenoma that turned out to be cancer? I can't find anything. Good.

Today, I am ashamed of myself. I just received this miracle and now I'm doubting? No, I will not let this happen. Now, I will be positive. I will breathe easier next week. When the hole in my breast fills with fluid like its supposed to. When I can lift my arm without pain. When I can take this stinking tight bra off. When I know for sure the pathology results.

Today, I don't feel worthy. I am not worthy of this miracle God has performed. I am not worthy of all of the support and prayers. But I accept it all. I appreciate it all more than words can say. Thank you doesn't seem like enough to say. This is the first day of the rest of my long life.

THIS IS THE DAY!
"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24