"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I confess. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I am too quick to get angry and say things I should not. Sometimes I fall asleep while I am praying, and I am afraid to witness.
Today I know that God forgives me of all my sins and my slate is wiped clean. Today I pray for a calm emotional state to drive out the anger. Steroids do not help with the anger issue, but my God is bigger than steroids.
What I am most ashamed of is my fear of witnessing. I hide behind this computer. I can pray on what to write in my blog and quote scriptures, but put me in front of an actual person and I freeze. I get nervous and start to sweat. What if they laugh at me? What if they get mad at me? What if they yell at me? See a pattern to these questions? Yep, me me me. It's the vanity thing again. What if I look bad? These thoughts are awful, I know! I feel the devil smiling as I choke. I pray for my vanity and fear to be overcome by words and scripture that can only come from God himself.
This week I am challenging myself to trust God, step out on pure faith, and witness to someone face to face. I would LOVE it if someone out there would be willing to take this challenge with me?! Pray about it and if you accept, comment on this post. We can be each other's support team!
"I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me, you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples." John 15:5-8
This is also the day I pray for peace. My liver doctor called me personally Friday. It concerns me when the doctor calls me personally. He had the results of my MRI. I could barely hear him over the pounding of my heart. He said the MRI proved that the solid round mass was definitely not a benign hemangioma, but still wasn't clear as to what the mass was. He wants me to have a liver biopsy. He wants to discuss my case with transplant surgeons because they do more liver cases than any other surgeon. I wonder if he is telling me everything. I ask, "so is the mass following any cancer patterns?" he said the mass wasn't following any patterns, which is why we still "haven't ruled out cancer." Have I mentioned how much I hate the "c" word?
So, this is the day God calms my fears. He has performed great miracles in me, and this will be no different. I google it. Yes, I know, but I did it anyway. Apparently, unless you are a heavy drinker or have hepatitis (neither of which apply to me), primary liver cancer is very rare. All will be ok. Not looking forward to a liver biopsy, but God has it under control.
So, this is the day I challenge myself. Who is with me? I am looking forward to seeing some responses!
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Of more doctor visits and more realizations!
"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I saw another specialist. Today I saw a liver specialist about the mass on my liver. Knowing you have a mass on an organ is an unsettling feeling. Having conflicting radiologist reports as to what that mass is, doesn't help any. So, instead of waiting, I went to a liver specialist. Today, I feel better. I am actually totally confident in Dr. Dies. He has me set up for an MRI next week. He's pretty sure it's not cancer, but because it is causing some discomfort, he will decide after the MRI if the mass needs to be removed. Now I can just focus on taking care of my baby boy.
My 15 month old had to have surgery Friday. Little boy urology surgery, but as a parent, no surgery is routine. Everything turned out fine, he is just still a little fussy and sore, but once again God answered prayers and took good care of my baby. However, I do believe those were the longest 1 1/2 hrs of my life waiting for him to come out of surgery. While waiting, I noticed something. I did not have hives. I began to think back and the few days before and day of my breast surgery, I had hardly any hives. I take comfort in this little realization. Kind of like the footprints in the sand, in times of extreme stress, my hives go away. God has it under control and knows how much I can handle. He is carrying me through, even now.
This is also the day I read an article about this famous young actor killed in a car crash. So sad. What tore my heart out was what the article had to say. He was in all the Jack*** movies and what he was most famous for I just can't write on here. How unbelievably sad. This man lived on this earth for 30 or 40 something years and that's all the media had to say about him?! "Man, he was funny." He only had a few brief years to live on this earth, and that's what he did? Make people laugh by doing extremely stupid stuff. Now, I realize that was just the media recapping his life of fame, and truly hope he was a Christian and was putting as much time and effort into his home in eternity as he was in making people laugh. We won't live forever, folks. Young people die every day. Some people are under the false belief that they can "have fun" now, and give their life to God when they get older. It doesn't work that way. Today could be your last day on earth.
"And He said to them, "Take heed and beware of covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses." Then He spoke a parable to them, saying: "The ground of a certain rich man yielded plentifully. And he thought within himself, saying, 'What shall I do, since I have no room to store my crops?' So he said, 'I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build greater, and there I will store all my crops and my goods. And I will say to my soul, "Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years, take your ease; eat, drink, and be merry."' But God said to him, 'Fool! This night your soul will be required of you; then whose will those things be which you have provided?' So is he who lays up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God." Luke 12:15-21.
Are you ready for eternity? Have you put as much time and effort in your eternal home as you have in your earthly home and possessions that you can't take with you when God calls you home?
Today I realize there is a line most people don't speak of. That line where some people feel if you cross into living for and serving God that you don't get to have fun anymore. I actually had someone tell me they couldn't do the "religion thing" because they "didn't want to feel guilty all the time." WOW! This couldn't be further from the truth! Christians have tons of fun and, the thing is, we can have fun with a completely clear conscience. We don't need drugs or tons of alcohol to give us a high or fog our brains, because the high you feel when you worship God and are close to Him and witness His miracles first hand is soooo much better than anything you can buy! Now, I'm not perfect. Far from it! I've tasted sin. But what I have now is so much better, I assure you. There really is no describing it. You have to feel it for yourself. I can tell you firsthand, I feel no guilt. God washed my sin and guilt away. Only joy. Pure joy. You should try it.
This is also the day I confirmed my appointment with the Mayo clinic. August 9th is the big day. Also found out the Mayo is out of network for my insurance. Ouch! I'm still weighing my options. Every morning when I wake up with hives and see what the steroids are doing to my body, I search for plane tickets online. Then, by evening when the hives have faded, I start thinking about $$$. I just don't know what to do right now, but God will direct my path, that I do know. I hope and pray to find a doctor here that will figure me out so I don't have to go 13 hrs away. We will see.
"And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. But seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you." Luke 12:29-31.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I saw another specialist. Today I saw a liver specialist about the mass on my liver. Knowing you have a mass on an organ is an unsettling feeling. Having conflicting radiologist reports as to what that mass is, doesn't help any. So, instead of waiting, I went to a liver specialist. Today, I feel better. I am actually totally confident in Dr. Dies. He has me set up for an MRI next week. He's pretty sure it's not cancer, but because it is causing some discomfort, he will decide after the MRI if the mass needs to be removed. Now I can just focus on taking care of my baby boy.
My 15 month old had to have surgery Friday. Little boy urology surgery, but as a parent, no surgery is routine. Everything turned out fine, he is just still a little fussy and sore, but once again God answered prayers and took good care of my baby. However, I do believe those were the longest 1 1/2 hrs of my life waiting for him to come out of surgery. While waiting, I noticed something. I did not have hives. I began to think back and the few days before and day of my breast surgery, I had hardly any hives. I take comfort in this little realization. Kind of like the footprints in the sand, in times of extreme stress, my hives go away. God has it under control and knows how much I can handle. He is carrying me through, even now.
This is also the day I read an article about this famous young actor killed in a car crash. So sad. What tore my heart out was what the article had to say. He was in all the Jack*** movies and what he was most famous for I just can't write on here. How unbelievably sad. This man lived on this earth for 30 or 40 something years and that's all the media had to say about him?! "Man, he was funny." He only had a few brief years to live on this earth, and that's what he did? Make people laugh by doing extremely stupid stuff. Now, I realize that was just the media recapping his life of fame, and truly hope he was a Christian and was putting as much time and effort into his home in eternity as he was in making people laugh. We won't live forever, folks. Young people die every day. Some people are under the false belief that they can "have fun" now, and give their life to God when they get older. It doesn't work that way. Today could be your last day on earth.
"And He said to them, "Take heed and beware of covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses." Then He spoke a parable to them, saying: "The ground of a certain rich man yielded plentifully. And he thought within himself, saying, 'What shall I do, since I have no room to store my crops?' So he said, 'I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build greater, and there I will store all my crops and my goods. And I will say to my soul, "Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years, take your ease; eat, drink, and be merry."' But God said to him, 'Fool! This night your soul will be required of you; then whose will those things be which you have provided?' So is he who lays up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God." Luke 12:15-21.
Are you ready for eternity? Have you put as much time and effort in your eternal home as you have in your earthly home and possessions that you can't take with you when God calls you home?
Today I realize there is a line most people don't speak of. That line where some people feel if you cross into living for and serving God that you don't get to have fun anymore. I actually had someone tell me they couldn't do the "religion thing" because they "didn't want to feel guilty all the time." WOW! This couldn't be further from the truth! Christians have tons of fun and, the thing is, we can have fun with a completely clear conscience. We don't need drugs or tons of alcohol to give us a high or fog our brains, because the high you feel when you worship God and are close to Him and witness His miracles first hand is soooo much better than anything you can buy! Now, I'm not perfect. Far from it! I've tasted sin. But what I have now is so much better, I assure you. There really is no describing it. You have to feel it for yourself. I can tell you firsthand, I feel no guilt. God washed my sin and guilt away. Only joy. Pure joy. You should try it.
This is also the day I confirmed my appointment with the Mayo clinic. August 9th is the big day. Also found out the Mayo is out of network for my insurance. Ouch! I'm still weighing my options. Every morning when I wake up with hives and see what the steroids are doing to my body, I search for plane tickets online. Then, by evening when the hives have faded, I start thinking about $$$. I just don't know what to do right now, but God will direct my path, that I do know. I hope and pray to find a doctor here that will figure me out so I don't have to go 13 hrs away. We will see.
"And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. But seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you." Luke 12:29-31.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
that I got more results.
"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I got more results. After having a CT scan with contrast last week after finding a solid mass on my liver, today is the day my doctor wanted to discuss the results. Which would have been great had he reviewed the results and been prepared for my visit. He sweeps in with my chart in hand, looking at it as he asks me about my blood pressure (which is still high). I begin to answer and then stop. Wait. I want to know the results of the CT of my liver mass. "Well, let's see what they had to say." Uh, ya think?!?
Today I realize that no one has any clue as to what is going on. Well, God does, but no human. Apparently, after the ultrasound, the radiologist report said benign hemangioma. After the CT scan, the radiologist said it is not a hemangioma, it is benign, but it not sure as to what the mass really is. Report requests a follow-up CT with contrast in 3 months. Well, if it is so benign, why come back in 3 months?!? Isn't that huge amounts of radiation that could cause cancer?!?
Yep, you guessed it. Today is the day I got fed up. That positive upbeat attitude went out the window for a little while. While extremely grateful that I don't have cancer (extremely blessed and relieved), I felt like we had hit a wall. Today my hives are progressively getting worse and, as predicted, are now leaving bruises and lasting longer despite the fact I am still on steroids. So, we think we have ruled out cancer. Awesome! Praise the Lord! So, now what? Well, my doctor seems as if he has officially thrown up his hands and pretty much told me to see more specialists and that he didn't know.
So today I sent in my application for the Mayo Clinic. Apparently they specialize in weird cases involving chronic urticarial vasculitis like mine. They will be contacting me in two business days.
Okay, I take a deep breath. It's all going to be okay. God is putting me through for a reason. It has defintitely brought me closer to the Lord and I have gained some wonderful relationships at First Baptist Haughton in the process. It is just so frustrating to think your doctor is finally understanding that you have had this condition for almost a year and he is on a track to do something about it, just for him to throw up his hands and give up on you. And then, my dermatologist who had been so wonderful, just moved to California. Great. Just a little frustrating. But okay. God will continue to give me strength to see this through. I will not allow myself to get discouraged or depressed. God has it under control and the root of the issue will be brought forth in His time after His purpose for it is served. In the meantime I will pray and scratch and pray.
On the way home from the doctor, on the verge of tears, the song "I Can Only Imagine" comes on the radio. I pull myself out of my pity party and realize the miracles He has worked in me. I don't have breast cancer because of Him. I don't have liver cancer because of Him. I am a walking miracle. I think for a minute if that outcome would have been different. What if I had heard today that I had liver cancer. There is no cure for liver cancer and it has a very high mortality rate. Would I be doing anything in my life different had the news been different. How would I choose to live my last months?
Today I ask you the question, if, at your next doctor's appointment, they tell you you have a terminal cancer, what would you do? After thinking about all you might miss on this earth, would you smile and rejoice at the wonderful thought of spending eternity wrapped in God's arms in an unimaginable, beautiful heaven? Would you run to church as soon as possible to get "right" with God? Would you fear death and eternity? Would you hurt for your loved ones hurting, but have an awesome sense of peace for your soul and where you would spend eternity?
Today, we are all one car wreck, one terminal diagnosis, one accident away from eternity. Or, Jesus could come back tomorrow! Are your affairs in order? Have you put as much time, effort and money into your heavenly mansion as you have put into your house and possessions here on earth? I assure you, we won't take our earthly possessions with us. All of that could be taken away in an instant. Our heavenly mansion, however, will last forever. We are just one prayer away from a beautiful, peaceful, eternal, miraculous relationship with God.
Today, I continue to count my blessings. I do not have cancer. God will handle all else in His own time. I pray for peace and patience in the meantime. What I do have is a closer relationship with Him, and for that I will be forever grateful.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I got more results. After having a CT scan with contrast last week after finding a solid mass on my liver, today is the day my doctor wanted to discuss the results. Which would have been great had he reviewed the results and been prepared for my visit. He sweeps in with my chart in hand, looking at it as he asks me about my blood pressure (which is still high). I begin to answer and then stop. Wait. I want to know the results of the CT of my liver mass. "Well, let's see what they had to say." Uh, ya think?!?
Today I realize that no one has any clue as to what is going on. Well, God does, but no human. Apparently, after the ultrasound, the radiologist report said benign hemangioma. After the CT scan, the radiologist said it is not a hemangioma, it is benign, but it not sure as to what the mass really is. Report requests a follow-up CT with contrast in 3 months. Well, if it is so benign, why come back in 3 months?!? Isn't that huge amounts of radiation that could cause cancer?!?
Yep, you guessed it. Today is the day I got fed up. That positive upbeat attitude went out the window for a little while. While extremely grateful that I don't have cancer (extremely blessed and relieved), I felt like we had hit a wall. Today my hives are progressively getting worse and, as predicted, are now leaving bruises and lasting longer despite the fact I am still on steroids. So, we think we have ruled out cancer. Awesome! Praise the Lord! So, now what? Well, my doctor seems as if he has officially thrown up his hands and pretty much told me to see more specialists and that he didn't know.
So today I sent in my application for the Mayo Clinic. Apparently they specialize in weird cases involving chronic urticarial vasculitis like mine. They will be contacting me in two business days.
Okay, I take a deep breath. It's all going to be okay. God is putting me through for a reason. It has defintitely brought me closer to the Lord and I have gained some wonderful relationships at First Baptist Haughton in the process. It is just so frustrating to think your doctor is finally understanding that you have had this condition for almost a year and he is on a track to do something about it, just for him to throw up his hands and give up on you. And then, my dermatologist who had been so wonderful, just moved to California. Great. Just a little frustrating. But okay. God will continue to give me strength to see this through. I will not allow myself to get discouraged or depressed. God has it under control and the root of the issue will be brought forth in His time after His purpose for it is served. In the meantime I will pray and scratch and pray.
On the way home from the doctor, on the verge of tears, the song "I Can Only Imagine" comes on the radio. I pull myself out of my pity party and realize the miracles He has worked in me. I don't have breast cancer because of Him. I don't have liver cancer because of Him. I am a walking miracle. I think for a minute if that outcome would have been different. What if I had heard today that I had liver cancer. There is no cure for liver cancer and it has a very high mortality rate. Would I be doing anything in my life different had the news been different. How would I choose to live my last months?
Today I ask you the question, if, at your next doctor's appointment, they tell you you have a terminal cancer, what would you do? After thinking about all you might miss on this earth, would you smile and rejoice at the wonderful thought of spending eternity wrapped in God's arms in an unimaginable, beautiful heaven? Would you run to church as soon as possible to get "right" with God? Would you fear death and eternity? Would you hurt for your loved ones hurting, but have an awesome sense of peace for your soul and where you would spend eternity?
Today, we are all one car wreck, one terminal diagnosis, one accident away from eternity. Or, Jesus could come back tomorrow! Are your affairs in order? Have you put as much time, effort and money into your heavenly mansion as you have put into your house and possessions here on earth? I assure you, we won't take our earthly possessions with us. All of that could be taken away in an instant. Our heavenly mansion, however, will last forever. We are just one prayer away from a beautiful, peaceful, eternal, miraculous relationship with God.
Today, I continue to count my blessings. I do not have cancer. God will handle all else in His own time. I pray for peace and patience in the meantime. What I do have is a closer relationship with Him, and for that I will be forever grateful.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
that I realize "you don't know whatcha got til it's gooone."
(You are singing the song in your head, aren't you? Lol!)
"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I woke up with pretty bad hives. They have been getting progressively worse over the last few days, so it wasn't too unexpected. So, today I had to take more steroids. I have been on steroids for about 9 months now (except for about a week), and have to adjust my dosage according to how bad my breakouts are. Sometimes, and if the pattern follows that will be a few days from now, my hives leave bruises. I really have to up my dosage then.
Steroids can be really good. Steroids can be really bad. Let's start out with my embarassing vanity. Ok, I've never considered myself gorgeous by any means, but, as the saying goes, hopefully "not too hard on the eyes." Ok, now that my looks are gone, I can admit that I was vain. I am still vain. Just imagine, all you women out there, if suddenly, over the course of a few months, your appearance was altered to the point that people didn't recognize you any more. That you gained so much weight that your clothes didn't fit (and you can't use pregnancy as an excuse.) I'm being totally honest here, so bear with me. I used to not mind that I got looks sometimes. Even an occasional rude cat call could make me feel a little better about myself. Now, there are no second glances and especially no cat calls. I know, really vain, right?!
Well, I do believe God is teaching me a lesson. I can't fit into any of my clothes, and refuse to go buy more because I'm going to get off steroids soon, I just know it. I gained 24 lbs in 4 months. Now, the 1- 2 weeks I was off steroids, I lost 14 lbs. Now, I'm back on them and have gained back 5. But it gets worse. I have the face of a 400 lb person. It's called a steroid "moon face." My face is almost unrecognizable. When I smile, my fat cheeks force my eyes closed. Seriously.
At Molly's birthday party, a dear sweet friend of mine was taking pictures. I was looking back at the pictures and saw a picture of myself and cried. Who is that?! That is not who I picture myself to be! That is not me! And, more side effects of steroids is what they call a "camel hump." Yep, I have a fat hump at the base of my neck. So, no pulling the hair up! Oh, and speaking of hair, it's falling out at an alarming rate. I can thank synthroid for that. Oh, and don't forget the raised, red, huge hives all over my body. So, here I am, heavier than I've ever been, thinning hair, a camel hump, hives and a moon face. Paint a pretty picture for ya? When I go out in public, I want to wear a shirt that says "I really don't look like this, I'm on steroids." I have caught myself spilling my medical history to people I haven't seen in a while, just so they will know that I'm not sitting at home letting myself go, it is the steroids. I refuse to be in pictures. My son will think I wasn't around for his first year of life! Silly, I know. Embarassingly vain, I know. I never realized just how vain I was until my "outside looks" were taken away.
Okay, no more pity party. I tell myself what I tell Molly when she informs me that she is pretty. "Pretty is as pretty does." It is what is on the inside that counts. As women, and some men, we spend a majority of our lives trying to look good. Now, I know you should take some pride in the way you dress and present yourself, but if I've learned anything, it is that life is too short to make "pretty" your goal. Just who are we trying to impress?
My hair might be thinning, but at least I have hair. My face might be extremely swollen, but 90% of the time, the hives don't get on my face, and that's a blessing. My sweet babies don't notice the difference and love me just the same. My precious husband still sees me as pretty, and he is all that matters. I have to give myself this pep talk every day. I have to hit my knees on a daily basis and pray to God to take away my embarassment and vanity. I have to work myself up to walk into a room of people with my head held high.
But, slowly, it's working. I am learning my lesson. I can see now just how silly it is to spend so much time, energy and money on being pretty. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not confusing pretty with healthy. Eating healthy and working out to be healthy is a totally different topic. I mean pretty. When women size up other women and judge on their looks. When we spend money we don't have just to try and look as pretty as someone else. That kind of pretty. When someone said to me, "Oh, wow. You really have gained weight. I hate that for you. You were looking so good the last time I saw you!" Oh, and yes, the person who said this was a woman.
Today, I have a new outlook and a new compassion for other people. I beg of you to do the same. You never know, when you see someone you might view as large or not pretty, what that person is going through at the time. Whether it is health related or just life related, our looks change, and I beg of you to not judge on looks. Our looks will fade. No matter how you might try to fight it, everyone's looks will fade. We will all grow old, good Lord willing. There will always be someone prettier than us. You are wasting precious time trying to be prettier. It is what is on the inside that counts. No time will be wasted if you are making your insides prettier. God can do that! He is the ultimate plastic surgeon when it comes to making your inside soul pretty. And, get this, He is really cheap! Cheaper than any other plastic surgeon around! God is the ultimate transformer of looks! When His light shines through your soul, I assure you, you will be beautiful.
So, today I am telling myself all of this just as much as I am telling anyone that reads this. I still pray every day, sometimes more than once, to take away my vanity and embarassment. God is working wonders in me. He is the ultimate comforter and healer. This is the day I will praise Him for His "work in progress" that is my inside beauty.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I woke up with pretty bad hives. They have been getting progressively worse over the last few days, so it wasn't too unexpected. So, today I had to take more steroids. I have been on steroids for about 9 months now (except for about a week), and have to adjust my dosage according to how bad my breakouts are. Sometimes, and if the pattern follows that will be a few days from now, my hives leave bruises. I really have to up my dosage then.
Steroids can be really good. Steroids can be really bad. Let's start out with my embarassing vanity. Ok, I've never considered myself gorgeous by any means, but, as the saying goes, hopefully "not too hard on the eyes." Ok, now that my looks are gone, I can admit that I was vain. I am still vain. Just imagine, all you women out there, if suddenly, over the course of a few months, your appearance was altered to the point that people didn't recognize you any more. That you gained so much weight that your clothes didn't fit (and you can't use pregnancy as an excuse.) I'm being totally honest here, so bear with me. I used to not mind that I got looks sometimes. Even an occasional rude cat call could make me feel a little better about myself. Now, there are no second glances and especially no cat calls. I know, really vain, right?!
Well, I do believe God is teaching me a lesson. I can't fit into any of my clothes, and refuse to go buy more because I'm going to get off steroids soon, I just know it. I gained 24 lbs in 4 months. Now, the 1- 2 weeks I was off steroids, I lost 14 lbs. Now, I'm back on them and have gained back 5. But it gets worse. I have the face of a 400 lb person. It's called a steroid "moon face." My face is almost unrecognizable. When I smile, my fat cheeks force my eyes closed. Seriously.
At Molly's birthday party, a dear sweet friend of mine was taking pictures. I was looking back at the pictures and saw a picture of myself and cried. Who is that?! That is not who I picture myself to be! That is not me! And, more side effects of steroids is what they call a "camel hump." Yep, I have a fat hump at the base of my neck. So, no pulling the hair up! Oh, and speaking of hair, it's falling out at an alarming rate. I can thank synthroid for that. Oh, and don't forget the raised, red, huge hives all over my body. So, here I am, heavier than I've ever been, thinning hair, a camel hump, hives and a moon face. Paint a pretty picture for ya? When I go out in public, I want to wear a shirt that says "I really don't look like this, I'm on steroids." I have caught myself spilling my medical history to people I haven't seen in a while, just so they will know that I'm not sitting at home letting myself go, it is the steroids. I refuse to be in pictures. My son will think I wasn't around for his first year of life! Silly, I know. Embarassingly vain, I know. I never realized just how vain I was until my "outside looks" were taken away.
Okay, no more pity party. I tell myself what I tell Molly when she informs me that she is pretty. "Pretty is as pretty does." It is what is on the inside that counts. As women, and some men, we spend a majority of our lives trying to look good. Now, I know you should take some pride in the way you dress and present yourself, but if I've learned anything, it is that life is too short to make "pretty" your goal. Just who are we trying to impress?
My hair might be thinning, but at least I have hair. My face might be extremely swollen, but 90% of the time, the hives don't get on my face, and that's a blessing. My sweet babies don't notice the difference and love me just the same. My precious husband still sees me as pretty, and he is all that matters. I have to give myself this pep talk every day. I have to hit my knees on a daily basis and pray to God to take away my embarassment and vanity. I have to work myself up to walk into a room of people with my head held high.
But, slowly, it's working. I am learning my lesson. I can see now just how silly it is to spend so much time, energy and money on being pretty. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not confusing pretty with healthy. Eating healthy and working out to be healthy is a totally different topic. I mean pretty. When women size up other women and judge on their looks. When we spend money we don't have just to try and look as pretty as someone else. That kind of pretty. When someone said to me, "Oh, wow. You really have gained weight. I hate that for you. You were looking so good the last time I saw you!" Oh, and yes, the person who said this was a woman.
Today, I have a new outlook and a new compassion for other people. I beg of you to do the same. You never know, when you see someone you might view as large or not pretty, what that person is going through at the time. Whether it is health related or just life related, our looks change, and I beg of you to not judge on looks. Our looks will fade. No matter how you might try to fight it, everyone's looks will fade. We will all grow old, good Lord willing. There will always be someone prettier than us. You are wasting precious time trying to be prettier. It is what is on the inside that counts. No time will be wasted if you are making your insides prettier. God can do that! He is the ultimate plastic surgeon when it comes to making your inside soul pretty. And, get this, He is really cheap! Cheaper than any other plastic surgeon around! God is the ultimate transformer of looks! When His light shines through your soul, I assure you, you will be beautiful.
So, today I am telling myself all of this just as much as I am telling anyone that reads this. I still pray every day, sometimes more than once, to take away my vanity and embarassment. God is working wonders in me. He is the ultimate comforter and healer. This is the day I will praise Him for His "work in progress" that is my inside beauty.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
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