"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day that it has been one year and one week since the hives began. I am glad to report that right now, they are not life-altering. That means I can wear clothes without them driving me insane and the hives aren't leaving bruises. I still have hives every morning, but usually by noon or 2 p.m., they have faded. Someone who recently had a round with hives, told me they couldn't imagine having them for an entire year and didn't know how I did it. Well, it's amazing what you can do and handle with God right by your side. Lots of prayer. That's how I can do it.
Someone else made the comment that they were glad that God finally blessed me and eased the hives. My response was that even when the hives were awful, God was continually blessing me. This past year has been trying, I admit, but it has been a wonderful year. Myself and my family have been blessed beyond measure this year and I have seen God's hand at work more than ever before. My husband found God and was baptized! That alone made this a great year!
I feel closer to God than ever before. I feel it was through the hives that God taught me so many things. Patience has been one of those things. My wise mother always told me to be careful when I prayed for patience. For it is only through trying times that we learn patience. Well, boy was she right. When the hives would cover my body and itch, sting and leave bruises; when the steroids made me gain so much weight and made me unrecognizable; when I thought the hives would never stop; well, that's when God would step in. He would calm me. I would lean on Him. He would comfort me like never before. I knew it would be alright. Sometimes, when life breaks us down and brings us to our knees, we are in the perfect position to pray!
Compassion is something else I have learned. Compassion for other people. When you see someone that is large, when you are behind someone that is slow, when someone snaps at you or is rude, don't be quick to judge. You never know what that person is going through. That person could have an uncontrollable medical condition, or could have just received bad news. Have compassion for those around you. Pray for those who anger you, for you never know what demons they are dealing with. Most of all, don't judge. When the doctor said there was a 90% chance I had cancer, the world didn't stop like I thought it should. There is no telling what the people in the mall thought, when I took Molly there the day before my surgery. It was obvious I was spoiling her rotten and letting her get away with more than usual. What they didn't know is that I thought I had cancer and was scared to death that I wouldn't get to see her grow up.
Priorities. My priorities got put in order! I realized real quick that life can be taken away real quick. Will it matter what my profession or professional title was here on earth? Will it matter how much money I made? Will it matter how big my house was or how expensive my possessions were? No, No, No, No and No!!! So, if I put all my time, effort, and money in being "successful" what does that mean? What society sees as success is most definitely NOT what matters. What matters is, am I putting more effort into building my heavenly possessions as I am my earthly ones? What about you? Are you working nonstop just to make more and more money to pay for more and more possessions that you think you HAVE to have? Now, everyone has to work to provide for their family, I completely understand that and a hard worker is definitely to be commended, but has it taken over your life? Is your job your life? Or, better yet, in this day and age, did you throw anyone under the bus to get the position you hold now? I just hope and pray everyone is putting as much time and effort into building the heavenly kingdom as we are our earthly one.
Vanity. Now this one I am still working on. This one is hard and is a daily struggle with me. I have gained so much weight from being on steroids for an entire year, that I am unrecognizable. This is hard to swallow, but man do I see things differently from this perspective. Call it being paranoid, but I honestly feel as if I have been treated differently being the size I am. Well, I have treated myself differently, so what do I expect of others? I'm working on that, too. I had someone whom I spent time with because of an event. This person had all the trendy clothes, trendy cute hair, expensive trendy purse, and tiny, tan body. I made every effort to connect with this person since we had to spend a week working together, to no avail. I didn't look like her, dress like her or have the stuff she had. I was constantly asking questions about herself and her family, with not one question from her about myself or mine. Now, this could just have been a lack of southern manners, but either way, when someone is making an effort to get to know you, be friendly. It is what is on the inside that counts. True beauty comes from within. God makes us beautiful, not what we wear or how we appear on the outside. I tell myself this every day, and while my outward appearance has changed drastically, so has my inside appearance. God is in the process of an extreme makeover in me, and it's going to be awesome!
Self-worth. God is in the process of teaching me this one. I have been struggling with my self-worth. I am just a stay-at-home mom, I'm sick all the time, and I've gained weight. This will definitely take a toll on your self-worth. I sometimes feel as if the world is passing me by and I'm watching it from my living room window. I had an evening out with a few friends and I struggled with feeling like an outsider. I didn't know the newest and greatest music, I didn't know the latest news around town or happenings in the professional world, I wasn't wearing the trendiest clothes or shoes, and the only conversations I really chimed in on were about kids. Uh, hello, self-worth, are you in there? Also (and I can say this because my hubby doesn't read my blogs) when CJ had his surgery, I was able to see some of the people my husband works with on a daily basis. The people he spends as much of, and sometimes more of, his time with than me. Uh, can we say insecure?! However, I know he loves me, our family, and this life God and so generously blessed us with. God is working every day to increase my self-worth. I pray every day that I will be open to this blessing.
Since a lot of my self-worth is unfortunately tied to my weight, I am praying every day, sometimes many, many times a day, for self-control. I know my God is bigger than steroids. I am proud to say that, with God's help, I have lost 6.5 lbs in 2 weeks! I have a weight loss chart on my refrigerator with these scriptures:
"For this reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." 2 Peter 1:6-8.
"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your home fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:13.
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So, I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air, but I discipline my body." 1 Corinthians 9:24-27.
and of course....
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" Philippians 4:13.
So, this is the day it's been over a year since I have had hives, but this is also the day I realize just how much I have been blessed during this year. God is truly amazing and I see his miracles every day. In two weeks, I will leave to go to the Mayo clinic. I know God will continue to work miracles through the doctors there. I just know the hives are on their way out the door. I pray for each and every one of you and pray that you, too, will, see the miracles God is performing in your life.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
Monday, July 25, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
that my liver doctor called me at home. On a holiday....
"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the USA's 235th birthday. This is also the day my liver doctor called me at home on the 4th of July.
I had my ultrasound guided liver biopsy Thursday. They sedated me, like they do with a colonoscopy, so I don't really remember much of the procedure. I remember them injecting the lidocaine and then when they made the first pass through the mass in my liver with the cutting needle. Sounded like a loud pop gun going off. In my stomach. Pretty weird. Then I remember waking up. Glad I don't remember the other two passes they made through the mass. Was feeling pretty good, until I went to get out of the car at mom and dad's house. Pain so sharp I couldn't breathe. I just knew I was gonna be sick, but I couldn't move. Made it to a chair. Hurt to breathe. Hurt to speak. Right shoulder pain. Yep, if I would've read the discharge instructions, those were all the signs to go to the emergency room. Took a pain pill.
Friday was better, as long as I didn't do much. Saturday morning was okay, too. Then I picked up my 27 lb baby, which, by the way, they told me I could do the day after surgery. Wrong! Saturday evening through Sunday night were miserable. Apparently, after running this by my doctor, I was bleeding from my biopsy site, but it was being contained in the membrane surrounding the liver, causing the pain. This only happens in about 10% of liver biopsy patients. Myself and my mom (two years earlier) were the lucky 10%. Apparently after it bleeds, the blood kind of congeals, and the body eventually reabsorbs it. So, I will have some pain for probably a few weeks or even months. How did I get so lucky. I can't complain, though. My mom bled and had a hematoma on her liver the size of a grapefruit that still causes her some pain sometimes, and that was two years ago.
Today was a little better, though. I slept in my bed all night, and I have made it without pain pills today. I only get nauseous when I lay down. I even went outside and watched my babies playing in the sprinkler and pool and eating watermelon. I had to watch all of this out of a window yesterday. Not today. Today I was determined to be a part of it. Today I got splashed with water, bit by an ant, and loved every minute of it.
Today I got a call from my doctor. On a holiday. On his day off. From his cellphone. I was kind of freaking out a little. Until he said, "Well, I have your biopsy results here and I was just going to call you and let you know it is a benign focal nodular hyperplasia." Benign. I never get tired of hearing that word. Praise God! Again! and Again! and Again!!! He never ceases to amaze and bless me! Oh, wait, it gets better.... he said, "and actually, since a FNH rarely turns into cancer, I don't think we are going to do surgery. I just want to monitor it about every 6 months or so!" No surgery!!! Praise God!!! My response, "Wonderful, because after this, it would have had to be really bad for me to let anyone touch my liver again!" Woo Hoo! Hands off, surgeons! No one is touching my liver! I would do a happy dance, but it would hurt. My insides are doing a happy dance! It made my liver quiver! lol!
So, cancer scares....check! Cancer free....check! Next! Look out hives, you are next. Hives are going down! Headed to Mayo in a month and we are going to figure out the cause of the hives. I am going to get off steroids. My life will go back to boring and normal. I will exercise. I will lose this weight. I will play with my kids. I will praise God every day for the miracles he has given me and will continue to bless me with. We serve an amazing God, people. If he can do this for little ol me, imagine what he can do for you! Trust Him today! Reminds me of a little song I know...
Oh! How He loves you and me!
Oh! How He love you and me!
He gave His life, what more could He give?!
Oh! how He loves you!
Oh! How He loves me!
Oh! How He loves you and me!
I hope everyone had a wonderfully blessed 4th of July like I did!
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the USA's 235th birthday. This is also the day my liver doctor called me at home on the 4th of July.
I had my ultrasound guided liver biopsy Thursday. They sedated me, like they do with a colonoscopy, so I don't really remember much of the procedure. I remember them injecting the lidocaine and then when they made the first pass through the mass in my liver with the cutting needle. Sounded like a loud pop gun going off. In my stomach. Pretty weird. Then I remember waking up. Glad I don't remember the other two passes they made through the mass. Was feeling pretty good, until I went to get out of the car at mom and dad's house. Pain so sharp I couldn't breathe. I just knew I was gonna be sick, but I couldn't move. Made it to a chair. Hurt to breathe. Hurt to speak. Right shoulder pain. Yep, if I would've read the discharge instructions, those were all the signs to go to the emergency room. Took a pain pill.
Friday was better, as long as I didn't do much. Saturday morning was okay, too. Then I picked up my 27 lb baby, which, by the way, they told me I could do the day after surgery. Wrong! Saturday evening through Sunday night were miserable. Apparently, after running this by my doctor, I was bleeding from my biopsy site, but it was being contained in the membrane surrounding the liver, causing the pain. This only happens in about 10% of liver biopsy patients. Myself and my mom (two years earlier) were the lucky 10%. Apparently after it bleeds, the blood kind of congeals, and the body eventually reabsorbs it. So, I will have some pain for probably a few weeks or even months. How did I get so lucky. I can't complain, though. My mom bled and had a hematoma on her liver the size of a grapefruit that still causes her some pain sometimes, and that was two years ago.
Today was a little better, though. I slept in my bed all night, and I have made it without pain pills today. I only get nauseous when I lay down. I even went outside and watched my babies playing in the sprinkler and pool and eating watermelon. I had to watch all of this out of a window yesterday. Not today. Today I was determined to be a part of it. Today I got splashed with water, bit by an ant, and loved every minute of it.
Today I got a call from my doctor. On a holiday. On his day off. From his cellphone. I was kind of freaking out a little. Until he said, "Well, I have your biopsy results here and I was just going to call you and let you know it is a benign focal nodular hyperplasia." Benign. I never get tired of hearing that word. Praise God! Again! and Again! and Again!!! He never ceases to amaze and bless me! Oh, wait, it gets better.... he said, "and actually, since a FNH rarely turns into cancer, I don't think we are going to do surgery. I just want to monitor it about every 6 months or so!" No surgery!!! Praise God!!! My response, "Wonderful, because after this, it would have had to be really bad for me to let anyone touch my liver again!" Woo Hoo! Hands off, surgeons! No one is touching my liver! I would do a happy dance, but it would hurt. My insides are doing a happy dance! It made my liver quiver! lol!
So, cancer scares....check! Cancer free....check! Next! Look out hives, you are next. Hives are going down! Headed to Mayo in a month and we are going to figure out the cause of the hives. I am going to get off steroids. My life will go back to boring and normal. I will exercise. I will lose this weight. I will play with my kids. I will praise God every day for the miracles he has given me and will continue to bless me with. We serve an amazing God, people. If he can do this for little ol me, imagine what he can do for you! Trust Him today! Reminds me of a little song I know...
Oh! How He loves you and me!
Oh! How He love you and me!
He gave His life, what more could He give?!
Oh! how He loves you!
Oh! How He loves me!
Oh! How He loves you and me!
I hope everyone had a wonderfully blessed 4th of July like I did!
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
Sunday, June 26, 2011
I challenge myself and maybe you...
"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I confess. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I am too quick to get angry and say things I should not. Sometimes I fall asleep while I am praying, and I am afraid to witness.
Today I know that God forgives me of all my sins and my slate is wiped clean. Today I pray for a calm emotional state to drive out the anger. Steroids do not help with the anger issue, but my God is bigger than steroids.
What I am most ashamed of is my fear of witnessing. I hide behind this computer. I can pray on what to write in my blog and quote scriptures, but put me in front of an actual person and I freeze. I get nervous and start to sweat. What if they laugh at me? What if they get mad at me? What if they yell at me? See a pattern to these questions? Yep, me me me. It's the vanity thing again. What if I look bad? These thoughts are awful, I know! I feel the devil smiling as I choke. I pray for my vanity and fear to be overcome by words and scripture that can only come from God himself.
This week I am challenging myself to trust God, step out on pure faith, and witness to someone face to face. I would LOVE it if someone out there would be willing to take this challenge with me?! Pray about it and if you accept, comment on this post. We can be each other's support team!
"I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me, you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples." John 15:5-8
This is also the day I pray for peace. My liver doctor called me personally Friday. It concerns me when the doctor calls me personally. He had the results of my MRI. I could barely hear him over the pounding of my heart. He said the MRI proved that the solid round mass was definitely not a benign hemangioma, but still wasn't clear as to what the mass was. He wants me to have a liver biopsy. He wants to discuss my case with transplant surgeons because they do more liver cases than any other surgeon. I wonder if he is telling me everything. I ask, "so is the mass following any cancer patterns?" he said the mass wasn't following any patterns, which is why we still "haven't ruled out cancer." Have I mentioned how much I hate the "c" word?
So, this is the day God calms my fears. He has performed great miracles in me, and this will be no different. I google it. Yes, I know, but I did it anyway. Apparently, unless you are a heavy drinker or have hepatitis (neither of which apply to me), primary liver cancer is very rare. All will be ok. Not looking forward to a liver biopsy, but God has it under control.
So, this is the day I challenge myself. Who is with me? I am looking forward to seeing some responses!
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I confess. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I am too quick to get angry and say things I should not. Sometimes I fall asleep while I am praying, and I am afraid to witness.
Today I know that God forgives me of all my sins and my slate is wiped clean. Today I pray for a calm emotional state to drive out the anger. Steroids do not help with the anger issue, but my God is bigger than steroids.
What I am most ashamed of is my fear of witnessing. I hide behind this computer. I can pray on what to write in my blog and quote scriptures, but put me in front of an actual person and I freeze. I get nervous and start to sweat. What if they laugh at me? What if they get mad at me? What if they yell at me? See a pattern to these questions? Yep, me me me. It's the vanity thing again. What if I look bad? These thoughts are awful, I know! I feel the devil smiling as I choke. I pray for my vanity and fear to be overcome by words and scripture that can only come from God himself.
This week I am challenging myself to trust God, step out on pure faith, and witness to someone face to face. I would LOVE it if someone out there would be willing to take this challenge with me?! Pray about it and if you accept, comment on this post. We can be each other's support team!
"I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me, you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples." John 15:5-8
This is also the day I pray for peace. My liver doctor called me personally Friday. It concerns me when the doctor calls me personally. He had the results of my MRI. I could barely hear him over the pounding of my heart. He said the MRI proved that the solid round mass was definitely not a benign hemangioma, but still wasn't clear as to what the mass was. He wants me to have a liver biopsy. He wants to discuss my case with transplant surgeons because they do more liver cases than any other surgeon. I wonder if he is telling me everything. I ask, "so is the mass following any cancer patterns?" he said the mass wasn't following any patterns, which is why we still "haven't ruled out cancer." Have I mentioned how much I hate the "c" word?
So, this is the day God calms my fears. He has performed great miracles in me, and this will be no different. I google it. Yes, I know, but I did it anyway. Apparently, unless you are a heavy drinker or have hepatitis (neither of which apply to me), primary liver cancer is very rare. All will be ok. Not looking forward to a liver biopsy, but God has it under control.
So, this is the day I challenge myself. Who is with me? I am looking forward to seeing some responses!
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Of more doctor visits and more realizations!
"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I saw another specialist. Today I saw a liver specialist about the mass on my liver. Knowing you have a mass on an organ is an unsettling feeling. Having conflicting radiologist reports as to what that mass is, doesn't help any. So, instead of waiting, I went to a liver specialist. Today, I feel better. I am actually totally confident in Dr. Dies. He has me set up for an MRI next week. He's pretty sure it's not cancer, but because it is causing some discomfort, he will decide after the MRI if the mass needs to be removed. Now I can just focus on taking care of my baby boy.
My 15 month old had to have surgery Friday. Little boy urology surgery, but as a parent, no surgery is routine. Everything turned out fine, he is just still a little fussy and sore, but once again God answered prayers and took good care of my baby. However, I do believe those were the longest 1 1/2 hrs of my life waiting for him to come out of surgery. While waiting, I noticed something. I did not have hives. I began to think back and the few days before and day of my breast surgery, I had hardly any hives. I take comfort in this little realization. Kind of like the footprints in the sand, in times of extreme stress, my hives go away. God has it under control and knows how much I can handle. He is carrying me through, even now.
This is also the day I read an article about this famous young actor killed in a car crash. So sad. What tore my heart out was what the article had to say. He was in all the Jack*** movies and what he was most famous for I just can't write on here. How unbelievably sad. This man lived on this earth for 30 or 40 something years and that's all the media had to say about him?! "Man, he was funny." He only had a few brief years to live on this earth, and that's what he did? Make people laugh by doing extremely stupid stuff. Now, I realize that was just the media recapping his life of fame, and truly hope he was a Christian and was putting as much time and effort into his home in eternity as he was in making people laugh. We won't live forever, folks. Young people die every day. Some people are under the false belief that they can "have fun" now, and give their life to God when they get older. It doesn't work that way. Today could be your last day on earth.
"And He said to them, "Take heed and beware of covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses." Then He spoke a parable to them, saying: "The ground of a certain rich man yielded plentifully. And he thought within himself, saying, 'What shall I do, since I have no room to store my crops?' So he said, 'I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build greater, and there I will store all my crops and my goods. And I will say to my soul, "Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years, take your ease; eat, drink, and be merry."' But God said to him, 'Fool! This night your soul will be required of you; then whose will those things be which you have provided?' So is he who lays up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God." Luke 12:15-21.
Are you ready for eternity? Have you put as much time and effort in your eternal home as you have in your earthly home and possessions that you can't take with you when God calls you home?
Today I realize there is a line most people don't speak of. That line where some people feel if you cross into living for and serving God that you don't get to have fun anymore. I actually had someone tell me they couldn't do the "religion thing" because they "didn't want to feel guilty all the time." WOW! This couldn't be further from the truth! Christians have tons of fun and, the thing is, we can have fun with a completely clear conscience. We don't need drugs or tons of alcohol to give us a high or fog our brains, because the high you feel when you worship God and are close to Him and witness His miracles first hand is soooo much better than anything you can buy! Now, I'm not perfect. Far from it! I've tasted sin. But what I have now is so much better, I assure you. There really is no describing it. You have to feel it for yourself. I can tell you firsthand, I feel no guilt. God washed my sin and guilt away. Only joy. Pure joy. You should try it.
This is also the day I confirmed my appointment with the Mayo clinic. August 9th is the big day. Also found out the Mayo is out of network for my insurance. Ouch! I'm still weighing my options. Every morning when I wake up with hives and see what the steroids are doing to my body, I search for plane tickets online. Then, by evening when the hives have faded, I start thinking about $$$. I just don't know what to do right now, but God will direct my path, that I do know. I hope and pray to find a doctor here that will figure me out so I don't have to go 13 hrs away. We will see.
"And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. But seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you." Luke 12:29-31.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I saw another specialist. Today I saw a liver specialist about the mass on my liver. Knowing you have a mass on an organ is an unsettling feeling. Having conflicting radiologist reports as to what that mass is, doesn't help any. So, instead of waiting, I went to a liver specialist. Today, I feel better. I am actually totally confident in Dr. Dies. He has me set up for an MRI next week. He's pretty sure it's not cancer, but because it is causing some discomfort, he will decide after the MRI if the mass needs to be removed. Now I can just focus on taking care of my baby boy.
My 15 month old had to have surgery Friday. Little boy urology surgery, but as a parent, no surgery is routine. Everything turned out fine, he is just still a little fussy and sore, but once again God answered prayers and took good care of my baby. However, I do believe those were the longest 1 1/2 hrs of my life waiting for him to come out of surgery. While waiting, I noticed something. I did not have hives. I began to think back and the few days before and day of my breast surgery, I had hardly any hives. I take comfort in this little realization. Kind of like the footprints in the sand, in times of extreme stress, my hives go away. God has it under control and knows how much I can handle. He is carrying me through, even now.
This is also the day I read an article about this famous young actor killed in a car crash. So sad. What tore my heart out was what the article had to say. He was in all the Jack*** movies and what he was most famous for I just can't write on here. How unbelievably sad. This man lived on this earth for 30 or 40 something years and that's all the media had to say about him?! "Man, he was funny." He only had a few brief years to live on this earth, and that's what he did? Make people laugh by doing extremely stupid stuff. Now, I realize that was just the media recapping his life of fame, and truly hope he was a Christian and was putting as much time and effort into his home in eternity as he was in making people laugh. We won't live forever, folks. Young people die every day. Some people are under the false belief that they can "have fun" now, and give their life to God when they get older. It doesn't work that way. Today could be your last day on earth.
"And He said to them, "Take heed and beware of covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses." Then He spoke a parable to them, saying: "The ground of a certain rich man yielded plentifully. And he thought within himself, saying, 'What shall I do, since I have no room to store my crops?' So he said, 'I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build greater, and there I will store all my crops and my goods. And I will say to my soul, "Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years, take your ease; eat, drink, and be merry."' But God said to him, 'Fool! This night your soul will be required of you; then whose will those things be which you have provided?' So is he who lays up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God." Luke 12:15-21.
Are you ready for eternity? Have you put as much time and effort in your eternal home as you have in your earthly home and possessions that you can't take with you when God calls you home?
Today I realize there is a line most people don't speak of. That line where some people feel if you cross into living for and serving God that you don't get to have fun anymore. I actually had someone tell me they couldn't do the "religion thing" because they "didn't want to feel guilty all the time." WOW! This couldn't be further from the truth! Christians have tons of fun and, the thing is, we can have fun with a completely clear conscience. We don't need drugs or tons of alcohol to give us a high or fog our brains, because the high you feel when you worship God and are close to Him and witness His miracles first hand is soooo much better than anything you can buy! Now, I'm not perfect. Far from it! I've tasted sin. But what I have now is so much better, I assure you. There really is no describing it. You have to feel it for yourself. I can tell you firsthand, I feel no guilt. God washed my sin and guilt away. Only joy. Pure joy. You should try it.
This is also the day I confirmed my appointment with the Mayo clinic. August 9th is the big day. Also found out the Mayo is out of network for my insurance. Ouch! I'm still weighing my options. Every morning when I wake up with hives and see what the steroids are doing to my body, I search for plane tickets online. Then, by evening when the hives have faded, I start thinking about $$$. I just don't know what to do right now, but God will direct my path, that I do know. I hope and pray to find a doctor here that will figure me out so I don't have to go 13 hrs away. We will see.
"And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. But seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you." Luke 12:29-31.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
that I got more results.
"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I got more results. After having a CT scan with contrast last week after finding a solid mass on my liver, today is the day my doctor wanted to discuss the results. Which would have been great had he reviewed the results and been prepared for my visit. He sweeps in with my chart in hand, looking at it as he asks me about my blood pressure (which is still high). I begin to answer and then stop. Wait. I want to know the results of the CT of my liver mass. "Well, let's see what they had to say." Uh, ya think?!?
Today I realize that no one has any clue as to what is going on. Well, God does, but no human. Apparently, after the ultrasound, the radiologist report said benign hemangioma. After the CT scan, the radiologist said it is not a hemangioma, it is benign, but it not sure as to what the mass really is. Report requests a follow-up CT with contrast in 3 months. Well, if it is so benign, why come back in 3 months?!? Isn't that huge amounts of radiation that could cause cancer?!?
Yep, you guessed it. Today is the day I got fed up. That positive upbeat attitude went out the window for a little while. While extremely grateful that I don't have cancer (extremely blessed and relieved), I felt like we had hit a wall. Today my hives are progressively getting worse and, as predicted, are now leaving bruises and lasting longer despite the fact I am still on steroids. So, we think we have ruled out cancer. Awesome! Praise the Lord! So, now what? Well, my doctor seems as if he has officially thrown up his hands and pretty much told me to see more specialists and that he didn't know.
So today I sent in my application for the Mayo Clinic. Apparently they specialize in weird cases involving chronic urticarial vasculitis like mine. They will be contacting me in two business days.
Okay, I take a deep breath. It's all going to be okay. God is putting me through for a reason. It has defintitely brought me closer to the Lord and I have gained some wonderful relationships at First Baptist Haughton in the process. It is just so frustrating to think your doctor is finally understanding that you have had this condition for almost a year and he is on a track to do something about it, just for him to throw up his hands and give up on you. And then, my dermatologist who had been so wonderful, just moved to California. Great. Just a little frustrating. But okay. God will continue to give me strength to see this through. I will not allow myself to get discouraged or depressed. God has it under control and the root of the issue will be brought forth in His time after His purpose for it is served. In the meantime I will pray and scratch and pray.
On the way home from the doctor, on the verge of tears, the song "I Can Only Imagine" comes on the radio. I pull myself out of my pity party and realize the miracles He has worked in me. I don't have breast cancer because of Him. I don't have liver cancer because of Him. I am a walking miracle. I think for a minute if that outcome would have been different. What if I had heard today that I had liver cancer. There is no cure for liver cancer and it has a very high mortality rate. Would I be doing anything in my life different had the news been different. How would I choose to live my last months?
Today I ask you the question, if, at your next doctor's appointment, they tell you you have a terminal cancer, what would you do? After thinking about all you might miss on this earth, would you smile and rejoice at the wonderful thought of spending eternity wrapped in God's arms in an unimaginable, beautiful heaven? Would you run to church as soon as possible to get "right" with God? Would you fear death and eternity? Would you hurt for your loved ones hurting, but have an awesome sense of peace for your soul and where you would spend eternity?
Today, we are all one car wreck, one terminal diagnosis, one accident away from eternity. Or, Jesus could come back tomorrow! Are your affairs in order? Have you put as much time, effort and money into your heavenly mansion as you have put into your house and possessions here on earth? I assure you, we won't take our earthly possessions with us. All of that could be taken away in an instant. Our heavenly mansion, however, will last forever. We are just one prayer away from a beautiful, peaceful, eternal, miraculous relationship with God.
Today, I continue to count my blessings. I do not have cancer. God will handle all else in His own time. I pray for peace and patience in the meantime. What I do have is a closer relationship with Him, and for that I will be forever grateful.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I got more results. After having a CT scan with contrast last week after finding a solid mass on my liver, today is the day my doctor wanted to discuss the results. Which would have been great had he reviewed the results and been prepared for my visit. He sweeps in with my chart in hand, looking at it as he asks me about my blood pressure (which is still high). I begin to answer and then stop. Wait. I want to know the results of the CT of my liver mass. "Well, let's see what they had to say." Uh, ya think?!?
Today I realize that no one has any clue as to what is going on. Well, God does, but no human. Apparently, after the ultrasound, the radiologist report said benign hemangioma. After the CT scan, the radiologist said it is not a hemangioma, it is benign, but it not sure as to what the mass really is. Report requests a follow-up CT with contrast in 3 months. Well, if it is so benign, why come back in 3 months?!? Isn't that huge amounts of radiation that could cause cancer?!?
Yep, you guessed it. Today is the day I got fed up. That positive upbeat attitude went out the window for a little while. While extremely grateful that I don't have cancer (extremely blessed and relieved), I felt like we had hit a wall. Today my hives are progressively getting worse and, as predicted, are now leaving bruises and lasting longer despite the fact I am still on steroids. So, we think we have ruled out cancer. Awesome! Praise the Lord! So, now what? Well, my doctor seems as if he has officially thrown up his hands and pretty much told me to see more specialists and that he didn't know.
So today I sent in my application for the Mayo Clinic. Apparently they specialize in weird cases involving chronic urticarial vasculitis like mine. They will be contacting me in two business days.
Okay, I take a deep breath. It's all going to be okay. God is putting me through for a reason. It has defintitely brought me closer to the Lord and I have gained some wonderful relationships at First Baptist Haughton in the process. It is just so frustrating to think your doctor is finally understanding that you have had this condition for almost a year and he is on a track to do something about it, just for him to throw up his hands and give up on you. And then, my dermatologist who had been so wonderful, just moved to California. Great. Just a little frustrating. But okay. God will continue to give me strength to see this through. I will not allow myself to get discouraged or depressed. God has it under control and the root of the issue will be brought forth in His time after His purpose for it is served. In the meantime I will pray and scratch and pray.
On the way home from the doctor, on the verge of tears, the song "I Can Only Imagine" comes on the radio. I pull myself out of my pity party and realize the miracles He has worked in me. I don't have breast cancer because of Him. I don't have liver cancer because of Him. I am a walking miracle. I think for a minute if that outcome would have been different. What if I had heard today that I had liver cancer. There is no cure for liver cancer and it has a very high mortality rate. Would I be doing anything in my life different had the news been different. How would I choose to live my last months?
Today I ask you the question, if, at your next doctor's appointment, they tell you you have a terminal cancer, what would you do? After thinking about all you might miss on this earth, would you smile and rejoice at the wonderful thought of spending eternity wrapped in God's arms in an unimaginable, beautiful heaven? Would you run to church as soon as possible to get "right" with God? Would you fear death and eternity? Would you hurt for your loved ones hurting, but have an awesome sense of peace for your soul and where you would spend eternity?
Today, we are all one car wreck, one terminal diagnosis, one accident away from eternity. Or, Jesus could come back tomorrow! Are your affairs in order? Have you put as much time, effort and money into your heavenly mansion as you have put into your house and possessions here on earth? I assure you, we won't take our earthly possessions with us. All of that could be taken away in an instant. Our heavenly mansion, however, will last forever. We are just one prayer away from a beautiful, peaceful, eternal, miraculous relationship with God.
Today, I continue to count my blessings. I do not have cancer. God will handle all else in His own time. I pray for peace and patience in the meantime. What I do have is a closer relationship with Him, and for that I will be forever grateful.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
that I realize "you don't know whatcha got til it's gooone."
(You are singing the song in your head, aren't you? Lol!)
"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I woke up with pretty bad hives. They have been getting progressively worse over the last few days, so it wasn't too unexpected. So, today I had to take more steroids. I have been on steroids for about 9 months now (except for about a week), and have to adjust my dosage according to how bad my breakouts are. Sometimes, and if the pattern follows that will be a few days from now, my hives leave bruises. I really have to up my dosage then.
Steroids can be really good. Steroids can be really bad. Let's start out with my embarassing vanity. Ok, I've never considered myself gorgeous by any means, but, as the saying goes, hopefully "not too hard on the eyes." Ok, now that my looks are gone, I can admit that I was vain. I am still vain. Just imagine, all you women out there, if suddenly, over the course of a few months, your appearance was altered to the point that people didn't recognize you any more. That you gained so much weight that your clothes didn't fit (and you can't use pregnancy as an excuse.) I'm being totally honest here, so bear with me. I used to not mind that I got looks sometimes. Even an occasional rude cat call could make me feel a little better about myself. Now, there are no second glances and especially no cat calls. I know, really vain, right?!
Well, I do believe God is teaching me a lesson. I can't fit into any of my clothes, and refuse to go buy more because I'm going to get off steroids soon, I just know it. I gained 24 lbs in 4 months. Now, the 1- 2 weeks I was off steroids, I lost 14 lbs. Now, I'm back on them and have gained back 5. But it gets worse. I have the face of a 400 lb person. It's called a steroid "moon face." My face is almost unrecognizable. When I smile, my fat cheeks force my eyes closed. Seriously.
At Molly's birthday party, a dear sweet friend of mine was taking pictures. I was looking back at the pictures and saw a picture of myself and cried. Who is that?! That is not who I picture myself to be! That is not me! And, more side effects of steroids is what they call a "camel hump." Yep, I have a fat hump at the base of my neck. So, no pulling the hair up! Oh, and speaking of hair, it's falling out at an alarming rate. I can thank synthroid for that. Oh, and don't forget the raised, red, huge hives all over my body. So, here I am, heavier than I've ever been, thinning hair, a camel hump, hives and a moon face. Paint a pretty picture for ya? When I go out in public, I want to wear a shirt that says "I really don't look like this, I'm on steroids." I have caught myself spilling my medical history to people I haven't seen in a while, just so they will know that I'm not sitting at home letting myself go, it is the steroids. I refuse to be in pictures. My son will think I wasn't around for his first year of life! Silly, I know. Embarassingly vain, I know. I never realized just how vain I was until my "outside looks" were taken away.
Okay, no more pity party. I tell myself what I tell Molly when she informs me that she is pretty. "Pretty is as pretty does." It is what is on the inside that counts. As women, and some men, we spend a majority of our lives trying to look good. Now, I know you should take some pride in the way you dress and present yourself, but if I've learned anything, it is that life is too short to make "pretty" your goal. Just who are we trying to impress?
My hair might be thinning, but at least I have hair. My face might be extremely swollen, but 90% of the time, the hives don't get on my face, and that's a blessing. My sweet babies don't notice the difference and love me just the same. My precious husband still sees me as pretty, and he is all that matters. I have to give myself this pep talk every day. I have to hit my knees on a daily basis and pray to God to take away my embarassment and vanity. I have to work myself up to walk into a room of people with my head held high.
But, slowly, it's working. I am learning my lesson. I can see now just how silly it is to spend so much time, energy and money on being pretty. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not confusing pretty with healthy. Eating healthy and working out to be healthy is a totally different topic. I mean pretty. When women size up other women and judge on their looks. When we spend money we don't have just to try and look as pretty as someone else. That kind of pretty. When someone said to me, "Oh, wow. You really have gained weight. I hate that for you. You were looking so good the last time I saw you!" Oh, and yes, the person who said this was a woman.
Today, I have a new outlook and a new compassion for other people. I beg of you to do the same. You never know, when you see someone you might view as large or not pretty, what that person is going through at the time. Whether it is health related or just life related, our looks change, and I beg of you to not judge on looks. Our looks will fade. No matter how you might try to fight it, everyone's looks will fade. We will all grow old, good Lord willing. There will always be someone prettier than us. You are wasting precious time trying to be prettier. It is what is on the inside that counts. No time will be wasted if you are making your insides prettier. God can do that! He is the ultimate plastic surgeon when it comes to making your inside soul pretty. And, get this, He is really cheap! Cheaper than any other plastic surgeon around! God is the ultimate transformer of looks! When His light shines through your soul, I assure you, you will be beautiful.
So, today I am telling myself all of this just as much as I am telling anyone that reads this. I still pray every day, sometimes more than once, to take away my vanity and embarassment. God is working wonders in me. He is the ultimate comforter and healer. This is the day I will praise Him for His "work in progress" that is my inside beauty.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I woke up with pretty bad hives. They have been getting progressively worse over the last few days, so it wasn't too unexpected. So, today I had to take more steroids. I have been on steroids for about 9 months now (except for about a week), and have to adjust my dosage according to how bad my breakouts are. Sometimes, and if the pattern follows that will be a few days from now, my hives leave bruises. I really have to up my dosage then.
Steroids can be really good. Steroids can be really bad. Let's start out with my embarassing vanity. Ok, I've never considered myself gorgeous by any means, but, as the saying goes, hopefully "not too hard on the eyes." Ok, now that my looks are gone, I can admit that I was vain. I am still vain. Just imagine, all you women out there, if suddenly, over the course of a few months, your appearance was altered to the point that people didn't recognize you any more. That you gained so much weight that your clothes didn't fit (and you can't use pregnancy as an excuse.) I'm being totally honest here, so bear with me. I used to not mind that I got looks sometimes. Even an occasional rude cat call could make me feel a little better about myself. Now, there are no second glances and especially no cat calls. I know, really vain, right?!
Well, I do believe God is teaching me a lesson. I can't fit into any of my clothes, and refuse to go buy more because I'm going to get off steroids soon, I just know it. I gained 24 lbs in 4 months. Now, the 1- 2 weeks I was off steroids, I lost 14 lbs. Now, I'm back on them and have gained back 5. But it gets worse. I have the face of a 400 lb person. It's called a steroid "moon face." My face is almost unrecognizable. When I smile, my fat cheeks force my eyes closed. Seriously.
At Molly's birthday party, a dear sweet friend of mine was taking pictures. I was looking back at the pictures and saw a picture of myself and cried. Who is that?! That is not who I picture myself to be! That is not me! And, more side effects of steroids is what they call a "camel hump." Yep, I have a fat hump at the base of my neck. So, no pulling the hair up! Oh, and speaking of hair, it's falling out at an alarming rate. I can thank synthroid for that. Oh, and don't forget the raised, red, huge hives all over my body. So, here I am, heavier than I've ever been, thinning hair, a camel hump, hives and a moon face. Paint a pretty picture for ya? When I go out in public, I want to wear a shirt that says "I really don't look like this, I'm on steroids." I have caught myself spilling my medical history to people I haven't seen in a while, just so they will know that I'm not sitting at home letting myself go, it is the steroids. I refuse to be in pictures. My son will think I wasn't around for his first year of life! Silly, I know. Embarassingly vain, I know. I never realized just how vain I was until my "outside looks" were taken away.
Okay, no more pity party. I tell myself what I tell Molly when she informs me that she is pretty. "Pretty is as pretty does." It is what is on the inside that counts. As women, and some men, we spend a majority of our lives trying to look good. Now, I know you should take some pride in the way you dress and present yourself, but if I've learned anything, it is that life is too short to make "pretty" your goal. Just who are we trying to impress?
My hair might be thinning, but at least I have hair. My face might be extremely swollen, but 90% of the time, the hives don't get on my face, and that's a blessing. My sweet babies don't notice the difference and love me just the same. My precious husband still sees me as pretty, and he is all that matters. I have to give myself this pep talk every day. I have to hit my knees on a daily basis and pray to God to take away my embarassment and vanity. I have to work myself up to walk into a room of people with my head held high.
But, slowly, it's working. I am learning my lesson. I can see now just how silly it is to spend so much time, energy and money on being pretty. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not confusing pretty with healthy. Eating healthy and working out to be healthy is a totally different topic. I mean pretty. When women size up other women and judge on their looks. When we spend money we don't have just to try and look as pretty as someone else. That kind of pretty. When someone said to me, "Oh, wow. You really have gained weight. I hate that for you. You were looking so good the last time I saw you!" Oh, and yes, the person who said this was a woman.
Today, I have a new outlook and a new compassion for other people. I beg of you to do the same. You never know, when you see someone you might view as large or not pretty, what that person is going through at the time. Whether it is health related or just life related, our looks change, and I beg of you to not judge on looks. Our looks will fade. No matter how you might try to fight it, everyone's looks will fade. We will all grow old, good Lord willing. There will always be someone prettier than us. You are wasting precious time trying to be prettier. It is what is on the inside that counts. No time will be wasted if you are making your insides prettier. God can do that! He is the ultimate plastic surgeon when it comes to making your inside soul pretty. And, get this, He is really cheap! Cheaper than any other plastic surgeon around! God is the ultimate transformer of looks! When His light shines through your soul, I assure you, you will be beautiful.
So, today I am telling myself all of this just as much as I am telling anyone that reads this. I still pray every day, sometimes more than once, to take away my vanity and embarassment. God is working wonders in me. He is the ultimate comforter and healer. This is the day I will praise Him for His "work in progress" that is my inside beauty.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
Monday, May 30, 2011
...that I would like off this roller coaster, please?!
"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
It's been a while since I last blogged and there is a reason for that. I'll get to that later. However, since you are a willing bystander, watching my crazy roller coaster of late, I'll start you off with the good news.
First, my baby girl graduated from Pre-K! To say I was a proud momma was an understatement. During graduation, my baby girl walked proudly to the microphone and recited the entire Lord's Prayer from memory! Ok, I'll stop now, but it was awesome! Next, came my husband's baptism. As my daughter put it, "I've been waiting for this, Daddy. It's the best day eveah!" And that it was! This was the first time since surgery that I held my son and we stood proudly behind the bapistry as my husband was baptized on our seven year wedding anniversary. My son was crying and saying "bath" because he wanted to take a "bath" with Daddy and my daughter just wanted to know how many times the preacher was going to "dunk daddy." It was perfect! To say I was a proud wife was an understatement! Praise God for answered prayers! Next, came our seven year anniversary, then Molly's birthday and then the My Little Pony birthday party, complete with a jumpy thing in our backyard. These days have been full of blessings and memories and I thank God every chance I get.
Ok, If that's all you wanted to see of the happy part of this roller coaster ride of mine, you can stop reading now.
In my last blog, I talked about a pancreas scan. I had that done and the nurse called me about another issue and I asked her about the results of the pancreas scan. She said it showed hepatic steatosis. Hepatic steatosis means "fatty" and usually refers to the liver. I assumed since she was discussing my pancreas scan that that meant I had hepatic steatosis of the pancreas. 1) I totally resent the label of "fatty." I flashback to when I was younger and my brother would say "fatty, fatty two by four, can't fit through the bathroom door." I much prefer the label of juvenile. 2) Pancreatic hepatic steatosis is not common and usually means other organs are following suit. 3)Really?!
Finally get the radiologist report a few days later and it says pancreas looks fine and possible hepatic steatosis of liver. Big difference! However, the same report also said my gallbladder looked completely normal with no stones seen. That would be great, except I don't have a gallbladder! So, just as you would have, I took the entire report with a grain of salt. Now, I was completely comfortable in telling myself there was nothing "fatty" about my organs, only juvenile.
My internal doc set up ultrasound of my abdomen and kidneys to see if he could find the reason for my continued high blood pressure. This was last Wednesday, the day my daughter turned 5. I had to leave before she woke up to get tests done, just to come back home and pick up my son and take him to his doctor's appointment. Thank the good Lord for my parents. My dad took my daughter on a "date" to the boardwalk and spoiled her rotten for me. Thanks, dad.
Anyway, I have learned to read ultrasound techs. I can tell when they see something abnormal and when everything looks routine and normal to them. I was watching my tech's face while he was doing the abdominal ultrasound and all was fine for a while. Then he stopped. Then he stayed in one area for a while. Then, and this completely shocked me, he said he found something on my liver and he would show me in just a minute. After I got past the shock of the tech actually talking to me and telling me something, I thought, oh great, he's gonna call my liver "fatty" and I'm gonna get offended all over again.
After a few more minutes, he turned the screen around and pointed out a mass on my liver. A little over 2 cm solid mass on my liver. He said he would get it to the radiologist immediately and my doctor should have the report by that afternoon.
I didn't want to tell everybody, which is why I haven't blogged before now. I'm like the boy who cried wolf, except I'm the girl who cried cancer. twice. in one month. Sheesh. I have to tell someone, so I call a friend of mine and after I tell her and laugh at the craziness of it all, she says, "Well, you seem to be taking it well." Well, I thought, God has brought me this far, and he's not letting go now. After I get home and do some research, I realize that almost all liver masses are benign. This is great news, so hopefully not another cancer scare. However, it seems all types of benign liver masses usually need to be removed, except one. I pray and pray that that is the type of mass mine will be. I really, really, don't want another surgery.
After waiting around most of the next morning to hear from my doctor, I finally call just for them to tell me he is on vacation and won't be back until next week. I leave a message for the nurse. She calls me back and says the radiologist said the mass on my liver is probably a hemangioma and my doctor will be calling me next week to set up more tests just to make sure. Hemangioma! Whew! More answered prayers, folks! Hemangioma is the only type of solid liver mass that usually doesn't have to be removed! Praise to God Almighty!
So, today is the day before I hear from my doctor as to what the next step will be in this roller coaster journey. Today is the day I am still counting my blessings. Today is the day I am officially tired of the tests. I just don't want any more bad news. However, it is almost one year since I began having hives. Every day (except for two weeks) I wake up to hives. Today, they were a little worse. Today, I wasn't able to fully enjoy our family outing to Cypress Black Bayou because of the hives. Today, I realize I must keep pushing. I must keep testing. Today, I have to have faith that God is leading the doctors to the answer. Today, I know my roller coaster ride isn't over yet, but I know who is at the controls.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
It's been a while since I last blogged and there is a reason for that. I'll get to that later. However, since you are a willing bystander, watching my crazy roller coaster of late, I'll start you off with the good news.
First, my baby girl graduated from Pre-K! To say I was a proud momma was an understatement. During graduation, my baby girl walked proudly to the microphone and recited the entire Lord's Prayer from memory! Ok, I'll stop now, but it was awesome! Next, came my husband's baptism. As my daughter put it, "I've been waiting for this, Daddy. It's the best day eveah!" And that it was! This was the first time since surgery that I held my son and we stood proudly behind the bapistry as my husband was baptized on our seven year wedding anniversary. My son was crying and saying "bath" because he wanted to take a "bath" with Daddy and my daughter just wanted to know how many times the preacher was going to "dunk daddy." It was perfect! To say I was a proud wife was an understatement! Praise God for answered prayers! Next, came our seven year anniversary, then Molly's birthday and then the My Little Pony birthday party, complete with a jumpy thing in our backyard. These days have been full of blessings and memories and I thank God every chance I get.
Ok, If that's all you wanted to see of the happy part of this roller coaster ride of mine, you can stop reading now.
In my last blog, I talked about a pancreas scan. I had that done and the nurse called me about another issue and I asked her about the results of the pancreas scan. She said it showed hepatic steatosis. Hepatic steatosis means "fatty" and usually refers to the liver. I assumed since she was discussing my pancreas scan that that meant I had hepatic steatosis of the pancreas. 1) I totally resent the label of "fatty." I flashback to when I was younger and my brother would say "fatty, fatty two by four, can't fit through the bathroom door." I much prefer the label of juvenile. 2) Pancreatic hepatic steatosis is not common and usually means other organs are following suit. 3)Really?!
Finally get the radiologist report a few days later and it says pancreas looks fine and possible hepatic steatosis of liver. Big difference! However, the same report also said my gallbladder looked completely normal with no stones seen. That would be great, except I don't have a gallbladder! So, just as you would have, I took the entire report with a grain of salt. Now, I was completely comfortable in telling myself there was nothing "fatty" about my organs, only juvenile.
My internal doc set up ultrasound of my abdomen and kidneys to see if he could find the reason for my continued high blood pressure. This was last Wednesday, the day my daughter turned 5. I had to leave before she woke up to get tests done, just to come back home and pick up my son and take him to his doctor's appointment. Thank the good Lord for my parents. My dad took my daughter on a "date" to the boardwalk and spoiled her rotten for me. Thanks, dad.
Anyway, I have learned to read ultrasound techs. I can tell when they see something abnormal and when everything looks routine and normal to them. I was watching my tech's face while he was doing the abdominal ultrasound and all was fine for a while. Then he stopped. Then he stayed in one area for a while. Then, and this completely shocked me, he said he found something on my liver and he would show me in just a minute. After I got past the shock of the tech actually talking to me and telling me something, I thought, oh great, he's gonna call my liver "fatty" and I'm gonna get offended all over again.
After a few more minutes, he turned the screen around and pointed out a mass on my liver. A little over 2 cm solid mass on my liver. He said he would get it to the radiologist immediately and my doctor should have the report by that afternoon.
I didn't want to tell everybody, which is why I haven't blogged before now. I'm like the boy who cried wolf, except I'm the girl who cried cancer. twice. in one month. Sheesh. I have to tell someone, so I call a friend of mine and after I tell her and laugh at the craziness of it all, she says, "Well, you seem to be taking it well." Well, I thought, God has brought me this far, and he's not letting go now. After I get home and do some research, I realize that almost all liver masses are benign. This is great news, so hopefully not another cancer scare. However, it seems all types of benign liver masses usually need to be removed, except one. I pray and pray that that is the type of mass mine will be. I really, really, don't want another surgery.
After waiting around most of the next morning to hear from my doctor, I finally call just for them to tell me he is on vacation and won't be back until next week. I leave a message for the nurse. She calls me back and says the radiologist said the mass on my liver is probably a hemangioma and my doctor will be calling me next week to set up more tests just to make sure. Hemangioma! Whew! More answered prayers, folks! Hemangioma is the only type of solid liver mass that usually doesn't have to be removed! Praise to God Almighty!
So, today is the day before I hear from my doctor as to what the next step will be in this roller coaster journey. Today is the day I am still counting my blessings. Today is the day I am officially tired of the tests. I just don't want any more bad news. However, it is almost one year since I began having hives. Every day (except for two weeks) I wake up to hives. Today, they were a little worse. Today, I wasn't able to fully enjoy our family outing to Cypress Black Bayou because of the hives. Today, I realize I must keep pushing. I must keep testing. Today, I have to have faith that God is leading the doctors to the answer. Today, I know my roller coaster ride isn't over yet, but I know who is at the controls.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
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