(You are singing the song in your head, aren't you? Lol!)
"...that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
This is also the day I woke up with pretty bad hives. They have been getting progressively worse over the last few days, so it wasn't too unexpected. So, today I had to take more steroids. I have been on steroids for about 9 months now (except for about a week), and have to adjust my dosage according to how bad my breakouts are. Sometimes, and if the pattern follows that will be a few days from now, my hives leave bruises. I really have to up my dosage then.
Steroids can be really good. Steroids can be really bad. Let's start out with my embarassing vanity. Ok, I've never considered myself gorgeous by any means, but, as the saying goes, hopefully "not too hard on the eyes." Ok, now that my looks are gone, I can admit that I was vain. I am still vain. Just imagine, all you women out there, if suddenly, over the course of a few months, your appearance was altered to the point that people didn't recognize you any more. That you gained so much weight that your clothes didn't fit (and you can't use pregnancy as an excuse.) I'm being totally honest here, so bear with me. I used to not mind that I got looks sometimes. Even an occasional rude cat call could make me feel a little better about myself. Now, there are no second glances and especially no cat calls. I know, really vain, right?!
Well, I do believe God is teaching me a lesson. I can't fit into any of my clothes, and refuse to go buy more because I'm going to get off steroids soon, I just know it. I gained 24 lbs in 4 months. Now, the 1- 2 weeks I was off steroids, I lost 14 lbs. Now, I'm back on them and have gained back 5. But it gets worse. I have the face of a 400 lb person. It's called a steroid "moon face." My face is almost unrecognizable. When I smile, my fat cheeks force my eyes closed. Seriously.
At Molly's birthday party, a dear sweet friend of mine was taking pictures. I was looking back at the pictures and saw a picture of myself and cried. Who is that?! That is not who I picture myself to be! That is not me! And, more side effects of steroids is what they call a "camel hump." Yep, I have a fat hump at the base of my neck. So, no pulling the hair up! Oh, and speaking of hair, it's falling out at an alarming rate. I can thank synthroid for that. Oh, and don't forget the raised, red, huge hives all over my body. So, here I am, heavier than I've ever been, thinning hair, a camel hump, hives and a moon face. Paint a pretty picture for ya? When I go out in public, I want to wear a shirt that says "I really don't look like this, I'm on steroids." I have caught myself spilling my medical history to people I haven't seen in a while, just so they will know that I'm not sitting at home letting myself go, it is the steroids. I refuse to be in pictures. My son will think I wasn't around for his first year of life! Silly, I know. Embarassingly vain, I know. I never realized just how vain I was until my "outside looks" were taken away.
Okay, no more pity party. I tell myself what I tell Molly when she informs me that she is pretty. "Pretty is as pretty does." It is what is on the inside that counts. As women, and some men, we spend a majority of our lives trying to look good. Now, I know you should take some pride in the way you dress and present yourself, but if I've learned anything, it is that life is too short to make "pretty" your goal. Just who are we trying to impress?
My hair might be thinning, but at least I have hair. My face might be extremely swollen, but 90% of the time, the hives don't get on my face, and that's a blessing. My sweet babies don't notice the difference and love me just the same. My precious husband still sees me as pretty, and he is all that matters. I have to give myself this pep talk every day. I have to hit my knees on a daily basis and pray to God to take away my embarassment and vanity. I have to work myself up to walk into a room of people with my head held high.
But, slowly, it's working. I am learning my lesson. I can see now just how silly it is to spend so much time, energy and money on being pretty. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not confusing pretty with healthy. Eating healthy and working out to be healthy is a totally different topic. I mean pretty. When women size up other women and judge on their looks. When we spend money we don't have just to try and look as pretty as someone else. That kind of pretty. When someone said to me, "Oh, wow. You really have gained weight. I hate that for you. You were looking so good the last time I saw you!" Oh, and yes, the person who said this was a woman.
Today, I have a new outlook and a new compassion for other people. I beg of you to do the same. You never know, when you see someone you might view as large or not pretty, what that person is going through at the time. Whether it is health related or just life related, our looks change, and I beg of you to not judge on looks. Our looks will fade. No matter how you might try to fight it, everyone's looks will fade. We will all grow old, good Lord willing. There will always be someone prettier than us. You are wasting precious time trying to be prettier. It is what is on the inside that counts. No time will be wasted if you are making your insides prettier. God can do that! He is the ultimate plastic surgeon when it comes to making your inside soul pretty. And, get this, He is really cheap! Cheaper than any other plastic surgeon around! God is the ultimate transformer of looks! When His light shines through your soul, I assure you, you will be beautiful.
So, today I am telling myself all of this just as much as I am telling anyone that reads this. I still pray every day, sometimes more than once, to take away my vanity and embarassment. God is working wonders in me. He is the ultimate comforter and healer. This is the day I will praise Him for His "work in progress" that is my inside beauty.
"This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
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